Worry is a Liar

We went to St. Thomas in January of 2020. I was so worried.

So many things could go wrong. What if G got Zika? What if he had a health emergency? He hadn't been doing well lately. I had reason for concern.

I clearly remember sitting in a coffee shop in town with my boss/close friend, telling her how scared I was. We had purchased emergency evacuation services for him in case something happened, made sure all his vaccinations were up to do... really did everything we could to be safe. It was America. 4 hour direct flight from home. I had refused to go further away.

And then there were my worries for P. Leaving him for 8 nights. What if something happened to him and I wasn't there? What if he got sick? Broke a bone? What if there was a car accident?

Now, looking back, I am SO glad we went. It was a wonderful week. Absolutely wonderful. Restful, restorative, fun. Good for our marriage and our souls. Yes, G had trouble breathing on the flights (that was so scary) but otherwise, everything went really well. What precious memories those are now that he's gone. I am so glad we went.

When I was worrying about our trip to St. Thomas, it never occurred to me that G would die within the year from heart failure. I worried about all kinds of things happening- but not the one that actually did. In fact, his death caught us off guard. We didn't see it coming. Certainly we thought maybe 6 months - 1 year - 5 years down the road. But Dec. 19th? Incomprehensible.

That's the thing about worry. It is a liar. It assumes we know the future. We imagine scenarios in our minds and then fret about how we will handle them. I was up late last night doing this. We're leaving the country. What if P gets sick? What if I've forgotten something important? What if we get held up at knife point like our friends just did? What if someone tries to kidnap P? What if their sketchy van stops working and the brakes fail. What if...what if...what if...

I honestly feel terrified in my heart of something happening to P.

But here I am - listening to worries in my mind about things that may never happen. Looking into the future and feeling like if I can anticipate any bad thing that might happen, I can somehow prevent it.

Over and over again in life I have worried about the things that didn't happen, and never anticipated the things that did. Who can know the future? And then when those horrible things have happened (those unexpected ones) God has carried me through them in ways that I never would have imagined. On my WORST days, he has carried me.

He will be with me. Is that the antidote to fear?

Something could go wrong! But He will be with me.

P might get sick! But He will be with me.

Evil people exist in the world! But He will be with me.

And nothing can change his plans. I cannot by worrying add a single hour to my span of life... or to P's span of life. And I couldn't do it for G either.

So there's the choice. Hide in fear or live fully. Risk (not unwisely) and experience life and see God show up or risk nothing and let life shrink around me.

Lord, fear and worry are liars. Help me to trust that you will be with me, all things are under our control.