Why Would I Settle?

I had an incredible husband. A really, really good one.

He was not perfect. Of course not. His sin nature, his humanity, was all to clear on far too many occasions for me to pretend otherwise. Yes, I could list his flaws. I could list my flaws. The flaws of our marriage - our struggles, the things we just never got right. The ways we drove each other crazy. The ways that we were incompatible. Oh so perfectly incompatible.

And I've spent a lot of time dwelling on that. On that part of marriage that is just choice. That part that requires the vow. The imperfect nature of all relationships where for better or worse you keep choosing each other day by day - good days and bad days.

I've shared these thoughts with others. My opinion (that was also G's) that there probably isn't "the one". There probably are many "ones" that you could marry. Because marriage isn't primarily about compatibility by how the Gospel makes space for our incompatibility. The Gospel covers a multitude of wrongs. The Gospel takes two incompatible people and brings them together in a relationship of repeated wrongs and forgiveness that refines each of them over time, making them more like Christ.

But maybe I haven't focused enough - for myself- on the qualities that I should be looking for in a man - if indeed I should even be looking for a man, which in and of itself is highly contested in my heart.

Because while G wasn't perfect, he was incredible.

He took his faith in Jesus seriously. Deadly seriously. It was the single most important thing in his life. And at times I became the most important and he did battle to bring Jesus back into focus. Following Jesus wasn't about power or politics or "the good life". It wasn't about being comfortable or having privilege or feeling morally superior. No. Jesus is real. Eternity is real. Every single person you meet will live eternally. G took these things seriously. He had little to give and few years in which to give what he had, but he poured his life out for the gospel. No, no perfectly. Far from perfectly. But it was the beating drum of his life. It was what kept him going.

He was honest. He had been a liar. Jesus turned him into a man who was transparent. To such an extreme that I sometimes wished he wasn't. But you knew who he was. There were no questions about his character. He didn't hide his flaws. He confessed his weakness, his need, his brokenness. He wasn't trying to impress. I knew who he was. Everyone did. He didn't always keep his promises. He sometimes glossed over the truth to protect feelings. There were for sure "little white lies" from time to time. But he was a man who took integrity so much more seriously than most. He was honest. He strove to live a life that if not above reproach - would not be prone to surprising others over what he should be reproached about. I could trust him because I knew him. And the things I couldn't trust about him I knew too. They didn't catch me off guard.

He loved fiercely. Intensely. Passionately. He loved me so well. P so well. His brothers so well. His students and friends so well. He saw people's hearts. He cared deeply for them. He was not afraid to love and to share that love - with a big hug, a nickname, time, attention, and words of affirmation. You knew where you stood with him. He loved big. He loved as hard as he could. He adored me. Again - sometimes too much. Sometimes in a way that suffocated. And he didn't always love me as he should, didn't always pursue me, often was too worn out from life to love the way he wanted to. But he was not cool towards me. He did not act aloof (unless he was really mad). He was proud of me and P - oh so proud of us. So thrilled that we were his. So desirous of showing us off and really believed we were the best thing that had happened to him. We were loved DEEPLY by this man.

He was an intentional, warm, caring and compassionate father. He fathered P's heart. He adored his son. He went to such great lengths to protect him. Took so much pain upon himself so that he would spare P of any pain. He played with him, tickled him, spent time with him, talked to him, listened to him, empathized with him. He was a good, good Daddy. A good, good Father.

So why would I settle for less?

Because I'm lonely.

I'm scared.

I'm exhausted.

I want to be seen.

I want to have a partner.

I want to feel feminine and sexy again.

I want P to have a father. I'd love for him to have siblings.

I'm looking for someone to fill the void - even a few parts of the void. There are so many.

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I don't really trust that Jesus is enough for me.

I worry about being alone.

I worry about being forgotten.

I find my significance in others.

I had so much of my identity wrapped up in being a wife - and a caregiver at that - that it's an identity vacuum that I want to be filled.

Why shouldn't I settle?

Because I am beloved.

Because I am worthy.

Because P needs to be protected.

Because Jesus has a purpose for my life - a mission that needs a partner who is up to the task.

Because I know what it is to be pursued and loved.

Because my Heavenly Father knows what's best for me.

Because a partner would be nice - but not the wrong one.

Because marriage isn't a solution to loneliness.

Because I'm way too emotionally vulnerable and have way too much growth I need before I can think clearly.

So...

I need to protect myself.

I need to put up boundaries around my heart.

I need to protect P.

I need to be wary of men and wary of my own heart.

I need to wait for someone to pursue me and not chase someone down.

I need to lean into who God made me to be and what he has for me in this season. This strange and yet precious season of singleness. This season I never wanted but is acting like a reset in my life. A season where I can think more clearly, see more clearly, grown and stretch and learn and wait and see what God has in store.

I need not settle because I have what I need in Christ. I must not settle because my child depends on me. I can live out G's legacy and wait and hold up a high standard for any man who would come into our life.

Lord, help me to not settle.