Valentine's Day 2.0

Here we are again. It's Valentine's Day.

Last year it was on a Sunday. I doubt we watched the service online that week. Some days it is just too painful to have a church experience - Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day. Days when you know they will be talking about the very thing you lack. We went to "the balloon store" and got a special balloon for G's grave and I let P pick out a balloon for home - which of course was a 6 foot ninja balloon. Oh the memories we made with that balloon!

And now it's one year later and gosh does that feel like so long ago. Grief was so fresh. The loss of G, so new. No headstone on his grave. I doubt the grass had been planted either. But maybe it had?

So many friends and family sent flowers and brought gifts to the house. I remember feeling very very loved and seen. The day wasn't as hard as expected. I didn't feel as invisible. I certainly didn't feel single. I felt stunned that my other half wasn't with me that day. How could it be the just one year before the 3 of us had gone to Barnes and Noble the day after Valentine's Day for discounted truffles? I got a box of Godiva truffles from G and a box of chocolate-dipped Oreos. And books. Some of which I still haven't read. To days later, my horse died. A month later, we were in full COVID-lock down.

This year my emotions and mind have been all over the place. This morning was tough. P was grumpy. I was grumpy. I lost my temper.

I'm caught between simultaneously missing G and longing for HW. I'm in this in between where I am uncoupled, single. I remember what it was like to be special to someone. To have my person. And while we weren't a crazy romantic couple, I miss our comfy Valentine's Days of pizza and movies, Chinese food, games, truffles... whatever. We were together. We were "Us". "We". Whatever we did, I had someone to do it with.

G always wanted to take off work on holidays. Be together on Valentine's Day. Take off work on my birthday. He didn't understand a world in which one has to work on special days! He was so sentimental, so intentional. And we always included P in the celebrations. When he was little, we'd take him to Wegmans food court and we'd each pick out a special meal. We'd get special fancy chocolate and drizzle it on our favorite berries. Good and special times. Because in our family we wanted everyone to always feel loved and special.

I don't feel special to anyone this year - not in that couple sense. I think that's what I miss the most. Being seen. Having my person. I miss holding G's hand. Catching his eye across the room. I miss comfort and knowing him and being known. I miss romance but I miss knowing even more. Knowing I have someone. Knowing where we are headed and where we have been. The confidence of a relationship that isn't going anywhere. That's been to hell and back and bended and stretched and grown and changed but never broken. A love that has matured and strengthened over time, even as it has become more realistic.

I miss our comfortable intimacy. The way he knew my body and I his. I miss the warmth and softness and hairiness of his skin. I miss his masculinity. Him being bigger and stronger than me, just because he was a man. I miss feeling smaller and protected.

This year, I long for relationship. I know that if I am single at this time next year I will be okay. I have purpose and meaning in my life that is beyond a relationship with a man. I am create in God's image. Here for a reason. Given life for a purpose. I matter a little bit to a lot of people instead of a lot to one person. My life does have significance.

And yet. I want a hand to hold. A shoulder to lean on. A hug when I'm sad. Someone to share the big and small things with. I want a partner, a lover, a friend. A husband for me and a father for P. Someone to have adventures with or just to do dishes with. Someone to drive the car and ask me to dance.

And I think that I really long for that to be HW. But what if he doesn't long for it to be me? What if he's not ready? Or if this isn't God's plan? What if I mean less to him than he means to me? I adore his kids. My heart is attached to him. But it could just be one way.

So what then? How do I wait? I need to wait. I keep putting myself out there. It's hard to stop. Hard to wait to see what he wants.

So it's Valentine's Day and G isn't here and HW is silent. Couples surround me and I am alone. And yet I am loved. Deeply loved by my Heavenly Father. Seen and wanted by the one who made me. If that isn't enough, nothing ever will be. Because G's love for me - which was immense - never satisfied my soul. And no one else's love could do that either. My soul needs Jesus. And if Jesus brings me a partner, I will be thankful. I will embrace that with open arms. I will give the best of myself again. But ow I need to guard my heart. To slow down. To wait. The very thing I don't want to do. To sit here in the middle and let God work. His will. HIS will.