Valentine's Day

Today is my first Valentine's Day without G since we started dating. Our first Valentine's was in 2005 and we started dating the fall of 2004. I remember Valentine's Day 2004. I went to see Love Actually with my college best friend in the university movie theater. We were freshmen and single. By the next year, we would both be in relationships. I would go on to marry G and she and her boyfriend broke up about a year after graduation.

On our first Valentine's Day as a couple, I gave G a horseback riding helmet - it was an opening into my life - horseback riding was my world. I remember working with his mom to sneakily get the size right. He spent a lot of time wooing me in college but I worked hard on Valentine's Day each year because I seldom was putting in the effort into the relationship that he did.

I remember two other Valentine's Days in college. One where we went to Red Lobster (which seemed super fancy at the time) and got an appetizer (soup - he loved the clam chowder) and biscuits and meals. I ate 13 biscuits, which is ridiculous because I still love those biscuits but feel devastatingly full after 2 of them now! And I was really thin then! But we would joke about that for years. And then we went back to his house off of campus and he had made my favorite cake at the time - fruit cocktail cake (a family favorite - he got the recipe from my mom). We also went for a nighttime walk at a WWII memorial. Seems super random. But we just had fun together. Everything was fun and everything was romantic.

Another year (I think 2007 when we were engaged), G made me dirt cups - the dessert that has pudding and Oreo crumbs or chocolate graham cracker crumbs and gummy worms - because he knew I loved it and we were saving up money for marriage and he was working multiple jobs and quite poor. But he used water instead of milk in the pudding and cinnamon graham crackers because that's what he had. It was terrible and we joked about it for years to come.

So, it's been a long time since I had a Valentine's Day without him and I was dreading it. Yesterday was an awful day emotionally and I thought today would be even worse. But my friend, who is also a widow, texted me last night and shared the she is treating it like every other day and focusing on loving her son well.

Well, my little guy is 4 years older than her son so I can't treat it like any other day. But I did take inspiration from her and focused on loving on P instead.

I wrapped gifts (candy, a joke book, a set of his favorite LEGOs) and had them on his chair when he woke up - my parents always had our V-Day gifts on our chairs at breakfast when I was a kid. Doing the chair thing was new for us. I made him a Happy Valentine's Day sign for his chair - that's something we always do for each other on birthdays and holidays in our home. I woke up early and made him scones - a family favorite for special occasions from when I was a kid that I've made a tradition in our family too.

After breakfast we watched most of church. Then we went to "The Balloon Store" as G called it. We picked out a balloon to tie onto G's grave marker. P also picked out a balloon. A crazy, huge, helium balloon that is bigger than me. That's not something I would normally buy and it was expensive! But I knew that G would get it for him, so I did. And boy was he so happy. Except for when he cried because he was worried it would deflate and he didn't ever want it to go away. I wondered if that was grief seeping out? But we weathered those emotions and he was happy again.

We sent to the Memorial Park and tied G's balloon to the grave marker and brought flowers too. We took pictures and explored the icy graveyard and P had fun knocking ice off of benches. It was really good to be there and spend time walking around.

I saw a grave of a woman who lived to be 114. Can you imagine?

The rest of the day was spent seeing friends who stopped by - some we talked to, others just left little gifts for us. But we were showered by love. Flowers, coffee, baked goods, hot chocolate, candies, face masks, toys, cards, dinners (two came tonight!). God showing us his love through others. I kept thinking that if G was alive, no one would be doing these things for us. But with G gone, God is sending others to love us. Not to take his place. Not to make up for him being gone. But to show us that we are not alone. We are seen and we are loved.

I thought today would be horrible - but Jesus had gone before me. I am finding, even in grief, that the anticipation is worse sometimes than the day. Because when I anticipate it, I cannot anticipate how God will be there with me through it - whatever "it" is. It's never what I expected. Jesus always comes through. He always cares for me, sustains me, loves me.

I am thankful today wasn't horrible. I can't imagine facing every holiday without G for the rest of my life- that's way to much to process. So instead I will just be grateful for how God and friends showed up for me today.

Valentine's Day #1 has been survived. Thank you Jesus for loving me and carrying me today.