Trying Self-Care & Identity Crisis

I got a hair cut this week. A professional hair cut. At a salon. That cost over $100. And then I even bought the two products that she used on my hair. And, here's the biggest deal, I scheduled a follow-up hair cut.

G really liked my hair long. So I grew my hair long. I prefer it under my shoulders but not too long and it drives me crazy when I grow it out - so I end up just wearing it up all the time.

In April, my sister cut my hair - chopped it for me - and it fell above my shoulder. I was ready for a change and it was a big one! It felt freeing. Since then I've trimmed and shaped my hair myself a big.

But I'm trying to do "self-care" and feel the freedom to spend money on myself. I'm in my mid-30s. It feels like it's time to use the money I have and do a little bit of pampering. Like getting a real haircut. And I love it. Afterward I told my friends that I think I'm going to be a woman who gets her hair done - who pays for that service regularly. It's a lot of money. But I think it matters to me. It's not a big thing. But I no longer am married to G. I no longer have to (or desire to) live by his preferences. I have no one who tells me I'm beautiful. No one who tells me he enjoys my curls. Just no feedback on my appearance. It has brought out insecurities and also I feel like I've visibly aged 5 years this year. I am exhausted, I look exhausted. The haircut makes me feel a little bit more... presentable? Pretty? Like I'm showing up for life instead of just surviving?

I also painted my fingernails lastngiht. I can't remember the last time my fingernails were painted. Possibly in 2018 when my mom and sister gave me a spa day for my birthday. I used a purple polish that G gave me two Christmases ago and did the same on my toenails. I kind of love it! I feel fancy! And it's harder to type and makes me very conscious of my fingers. But it feels bold (dark purple) and fun and feminine and like a choice to show my personality a bit on my fingers instead of thinking of what color would be most normal for someone my age.

Because in all of this, I am trying to figure out who I am. What do I like? When I am alone, what do I choose for myself? Not based on G. Based on me. It is weird, uncomfortable and a little big freeing. And scary. Because I am used to adapting to someone else. And what if the person that I am - the non-adapted person - isn't loved? What if no man sees me and wants to know me? There's the rub. Trying to be comfortable in my skin and know that God loves me completely and I don't need the validation from a man. I NEVER thought I was someone who needed that. But there's been one man (G) in my life since I was 19, giving me the validation that I was pretty, desirable, interesting, worth caring for. I have to take all of that, and find it in Jesus while releasing the things that I did for G because they were his preferences.

Goodness, no wonder I've been feeling like I'm having an identity crisis. I really am.

Jesus made me. He made me to be me. And if someone else comes into my life, he's going to need to know and love the me that Jesus made me to be. Not the me that adapted to G.