Trusting God and Learning from Jim

Over the past couple months - maybe longer - I've become a bit obsessed with Jim and Elisabeth Elliot. I've known of them and their story of Jim's martyrdom for years. In fact, Through Gates of Splendor was the first missionary biography that G encouraged me to read. I can distinctly remember lying in bed at my parents' home with G beside me as we were in our first year of marriage and initial season of support raising, reading TGoS and being so challenged and encouraged by these heroes of the faith.

That's all I knew of them for a long time. Until the months before G died when I started reading Suffering is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot. A book written posthumously based on messages she gave of the same title many decades later - having lost yet another husband and suffered through the travails of life and ministry. Which led to a friend giving me a biography written about her called Becoming Elisabeth Elliot. Which I've now read twice through and is the most impactful book I've read.

And now, Shadow of the Almighty. A book Elisabeth wrote the year after Jim was killed. I say wrote, but really she's just piecing together letters and journal entries that tell the story of how God led Jim to a people who would eventual kill him.

It's been a hard slog of a book due to Jim's antiquated way of writing and how hard it is to connect with someone whose faith at times seems so unearthly, unreachable.

But this last chapter hit me profoundly last night. Because for me, year 2 of grief seems to be asking the questions: What now? What am I supposed to do? What is your will God? Why? Why this? Why G? How will you redeem this? How will you use this? Does this matter? Does this need to matter? Why do I want this to matter so much? And the crippling question of what in the world do I do now? What am I supposed to do? How do I follow God into this "new life" when I have no signs of where he's leading me and instead just have frustrated barriers and idols surfacing themselves only to disappoint?

Here are the words from Jim that hit me so profoundly last night:

"Strange, I say, that suffering loss,

I have so gained everything in getting

Me a friend who bore a cross."

Yes, my friend Jesus bore a cross. I needed this reminder. I am bearing one now yet it pales in comparison to the cross he bore. Yet, he knows. He gets it. He understands. It is weighty, sharp, it cuts. It's too heavy to bear alone. It's crushing me and driving me to God whose voice I can't always hear in response. I had Jesus but am gaining him in a new way. In a way where he is all in all. Or at least I'm seeing why he needs to be. Nothing else and no one else can suffice. But my friend, who bore a cross.

"I believe in the God who pulls strings through circumstances...We shall not be without signs when there are turns in the road."

Gosh do I want this to be true. It doesn't feel true right now. I'm not having any signs. But maybe the reality is that there are no turns in the road right now. I'm searching for signs - searching, searching, searching. Should I get a new degree? Leave ministry? Take P overseas? Date J (ironically he hasn't expressed any interest in this!)? Shave my head? Only kind of kidding on that one. What do I DO Lord? But if what Jim learned is true, and God is not pulling strings through my circumstances, then I suppose I am not supposed to be taking a new path. Yet. Settle in here and wait. Oh how hard that is.

"Are we so childish as to think that a God who could scheme a Jesus-plan would lead poor pilgrims into situations they could not bear? Dost though believe that God doth answer prayer, my heart? Yea, I believe. Then will He not most assuredly answer that frequent cry of thing, "Lead me, Lord"? I am as confident of God's leading as I am of His salvation. May he not so often have to address us "little faiths"!

Ouch Jim. Yes, I am so childish, I have been. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13), even this. And yes, I have questioned if God answers prayer. He certainly doesn't answer all prayer the way we'd like Him to. But you're right Jim - the one he is guaranteed to answer is, "Lead me". "They will be done". Because for Him to lead us is to lead us into his will. I wish I had his confidence, but I'd like to borrow it.

Lord, may I too be as confident of Your leading as I am of Your salvation. I trust You to save me. May I trust You too to lead me.