Thoughts on Dating and Remarriage

2.0

People talk about finding your 2.0. Whether they mean your new life or a new person to share your life with, it's a common phrase in "widow land".

What maybe they don't talk about is how confusing, disorienting and grief-triggering it all is.

I've been loving Audrey Assad's remake of the song, "The Middle". It speaks to where I'm at. I'm in the middle.

I can look back and see the life that was. 2.5 years of dating G. 13.5 years of marriage. Those are the stats. But the reality is so much richer. Memories, experiences, growth. Growing up together after meeting at age 19. So many firsts together. First apartments, first car. First road trips, first time having sex. First (and only) pregnancy. Becoming parents. Banding together when getting the devastating news of his need for a heart transplant. Waiting rooms and doctor offices and board games and Cheesecake Factory and weddings (that he officiated or we attended) and that baby-shower that I made him come to that turned out to be only for women. Sorry hun! Enduring our 20s and moving into our 30s. Ministry joys and disappointments. Holidays and traditions. Fights and forgiveness. Normal days and the smell of burnt coffee and all the times I set off our smoke detectors trying to make fish and fries. He and P huddled up on the couch in the cold while I ran around opening windows turning on fans, and taking batteries out of smoke detectors.

Genetic tests. Heart monitors on our boy. Hard decisions. So much laughter. Favorite pizza. That time he promised to get P Chinese food in a pandemic and we ended up with multiple meals being delivered to our house on one day. His unwavering commitment to us. My unwavering commitment to him.

The silly words we made up. The sound of his footsteps on the stairs. The way we could catch each other's eye and know exactly what the other was thinking. How his strengths made up for my flaws. And mine for his. Being. unit. Unbreakable and tested. Our love being refined in so many fires. Our history being written in the mundane and dramatic. A shared life. Shared experiences. Shared knowledge. Shared history.

A seasoned and weathered love that endured until death did us part.

But now, dating.

Starting new? Getting to know someone and asking all those questions - where have you lived, where do you work, what do you like? Not knowing what the other person is thinking. Realizing that I am so used to G and now here's this very different person who I immensely admire but do no know or understand.

Realizing it won't be simple this time around. No matter who it is with. There is loss. History. So many life experiences that aren't shared. Getting to know G at 19 will be very different than getting to know HW or someone else at 36. And HW is 51!

How do you bring two people together who have lived lives. Lives full of joys and sorrows. Losses and wins. Who've had a history with other people for decades?

And then there's that mix of emotions. I simultaneously enjoy being with HW and miss G. I would take G back in a second, but I can't. And then there are things about HW that make me so grateful that I can know him. He has attributes that G didn't. A strength that I admire and long for. Just being in his presence brings that comfort of being with a man, being with someone who can lead and guide me, being with someone who is masculine and bigger and stronger than me. I want to feel his embrace or kiss him on his scruffily bearded cheek. I wonder what it would feel like to hold his hand. I wonder what intimacy within would be like - so new instead of so familiar.

At the same time, he might not even be interested in me! And even if he is - wow. Blending families? Finding time to spend together to get to know each other when our lives are full of work and kids and in-laws and already laid plans? How do two people who come from different worlds blend a life?

We might have less in common than we have in common. But could we make an awesome team? It wouldn't be perfect. He isn't. I'm not. The baggage in our lives is immense. But could I be the mother that his children need and him the father that P needs? Could I fill in some of the gaps left by his beloved wife J and he the gaps left by G? Not in the same way, not fully even, but in ways that would be a gift of grace from the Lord?

We hung out (all 5 of us) last night and I walked away thinking this man is not interested in me. Feeling like I have nothing to offer him. Feeling quite silly and unexperienced in life as I learn more about him. I texted my friend and wailed to her (over text) about how I just can't see how this would ever work out.

And then he texted and asked me to coffee. Our first time hanging out just the two of us.

SO. MANY. EMOTIONS.

Lord help me, guide me. I need you. I trust you but I'm scared. Show me what to do next.