The One Where My Vulnerable Heart Gets Hurt

I was friend-zoned but I was doubting it. After all, the next day he was flirting with me over text again like nothing had happened. So many mixed messages.

I was clinging to hope. Maybe he really did like me. Maybe he was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to respond. Maybe he needed time.

Surely he had shown interest. Doing projects at my house. Bringing me things and offering me hand-me-downs and tools and food. Offering to pay for meals. Watching my son for a sleepover. Talking on the phone many times. Lots of texts and inside jokes and flirtatiousness. Trusting his kids to me and letting me get close to them. Calling me when he needed a favor. Calling on my birthday. Offering to put us on his summer pool pass and then his Costco membership. And the flirty texts. So many flirty texts.

But there was the friend-zoning this week. And the less-often responses to my texts. But there was also tell his insurance guy we are his people and flirty honks and texts and more. It seemed like he didn't know what he wanted but that he had definitely given me signs of interest.

And then the birthday party.

On April 29 - just 5 days after my birthday - he took P and his kids to a farm that was suggested by a friend as a good place for a birthday party. Welp, who would've known. The woman who owns the gorgeous 13 acre farm with incredible house and so many fun animals, is single. She's a mom with an 8 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. She is me - but maybe cuter, bolder, more independent. Yes, her ex-husband was there scowling at everyone (and looking me up and down which was very uncomfortable) but gosh was she fun and charming and definitely very friendly with HW.

I felt like I was watching me and him - but with a different woman. They were joking and smiling and standing near each other. Walking together, doing the party together. But there was more to it than him just hiring her - I could tell.

And he barely talked to me. Never came over to me. Not that he would have to, not that he would - but if he was at all interested in me, you would think he would. But nothing.

At the end we thanked him for having us and I complemented the place and asked if they'd been there often. He said yes, that they went on the way to the barn for riding lessons.

Which explains his silence on Fridays. And the way they didn't come early to hang out with us. Which explains why they seemed close. It explains a lot.

Because he and I have similar interests - but all ones that she has - farming and animals and horses. He and I have kids similar ages but so does she - and she has a girl. He and I have things in common like the place we horseback ride - but her daughter rides too. He and I have faith in common but maybe she does? And she's probably older than me and closer to his age.

So yeah, it would appear that I've been replaced. And it hurts. It really does.

He was a source of support and friendship and companionship. His name in my texts brightened my day. It was fun to joke around and flirt. I felt special, attractive, interesting.

Now, ugh. I am battling the lies that she is better. That no one will ever pursue me.

And realizing that I kind of threw myself at him without him putting forth much effort. I liked him early on and did all the heavy lifting. Yes he reciprocated, yes he flirted but he was probably just enjoying the attention.

I feel like a fool. I feel used. Displaced. Hurt. Sad. Embarrassed and unsure of what to do next. I feel like I jumped in and he was never in. I feel like I was a placeholder and someone who was way too enthusiastic. I should've shown restraint. Trusted God. Waited. Not pursued.

Maybe I used him too. Like a hit of a drug or a cigarette or a text message - a little drop of endorphins or dopamine that helped me get through my days.

I think I've learned a lot but I need to learn so much more.

How much of the person I'm becoming has been shaped by my desire to be interesting to him? Did I think I could see the end and a life that is better than this one and I jumped in unwisely? How much was skewed by my desire to be seen or by my loneliness or the fact that I always wanted a daughter?

Do I even know what I want in a man? Am I even close to being ready for a relationship?

He has hobbies I like, a confidence that intrigues me, he is a good listener, he is kind and respected. He lives in a cute town that I really like in a house that is the kind I would want. He has a lot to offer and maybe I was drawn too quickly to him.

So now I have to say another goodbye. Goodbye to the future I envisioned with him. Goodbye to text messages that make me feel seen. Goodbye to "play dates" that are an excuse to see him.

What else?

Goodbye to horseback riding at the same farm? Goodbye to the friendship between our families? Goodbye to thinking I finally knew one step of the direction our life was headed.

Back to square one. Me. P. No G. No clue where this is going or why. No clue what God is doing here. A lot sadder and hopefully a bit wiser too.