The Middle

The Middle: Audrey Assad

Hey Don't write yourself off yet It's only in your head you feel left out Or looked down on

Just try your best Try everything you can Don't you worry what they tell themselves When you're away

It just takes some time Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride Everything, everything will be just fine Everything, everything will be all right, all right

Hey You know they're all the same You know you're doing better on your own So don't buy in

Live right now Just be yourself It doesn't matter if it's good enough For someone else

It just takes some time Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride Everything, everything will be just fine Everything, everything will be all right, all right

I love this new rendition of an old song. It's kind of fitting in a way. A song from my childhood, remade by an artist I found and loved when G was alive - who walked away from faith in Jesus but still made this absolutely stunning rendition of this song.

Audrey is on her own journey - going through a crisis of faith, a broken marriage.

My journey is very different. My faith is sound - maybe more solid than ever. And my marriage wasn't irreparably broken by sin and divorce but by illness and death.

And like Audrey, here I am. In the middle. Learning to sit still in the middle. Trying to do my best. Trying to trust it will work out. Trying to see the ways that I'm doing well on my own - the ways that I have Jesus and He is enough even though I long for my life partner to be back or a new one to come. Trying not to write myself off. Trying to trust the process. Trying to believe that the middle is an okay place to be.

Maybe I have a love/hate relationship with the middle. The past had hard parts - agonizingly hard parts - yet I can look back with rosy glasses and just see a past where we were whole - our family of 3. "Our little family".

And I can look ahead - I'm starting to be able to. I can envision a life where God brings someone else into my life. Is it HW? Someone else? I can begin to live in the fantasy that something changing in my circumstances is the key to my happiness. I can believe the lie that what I need is another person. Another husband. To just not be alone. To be seen. Loved. Cherished. Cared for. Supported. And yet I had those things. I know that marriage is not the solution to loneliness, fear, being overwhelmed, feeling uncared for. I know that there's no such thing as a man who can complete me. A man who is perfect and can make up for all my lacks. I know that relationships are hard. I imagine second (Third!) marriages are even harder. There's trauma, and adjustment, and children who don't have their parent and just so much involved. It wasn't perfect the first time. It won't be the second time.

Not to mention that this future is made up. It's in my head. I have no guarantees. No certainty that things will turn out the way I want them to.

And so that leaves me back in the middle. In the middle where I am alone. A single parent. A person with lacks and faults and holes that no one can save me from. No partner to pick up the slack. No mate who complements me. The middle where I parent alone. Work alone. Sleep alone. Travel alone. Face my fears alone. Try to hope alone. Comb through my past alone. Consider my future alone.

But also where I lean on Jesus because He is the only one I have. Where I see my sin more clearly. My need for grace more clearly. Where I'm re-learning a lot. Where life is scarier and less scary at the same time. Where I'm figuring out who I am and reclaiming the parts of myself that I lost in my relationship with G. Where I am free to make choices. Bound to no one but my son. Learning what kind of parent I am. What kind of life I want to have. What kind of food I like. Where I'm wondering who I am and who I will be. What I have and what do I want?

New home? New job? New church? A pet? A spouse? To leave the country? To become a writer? A counselor? To stay here? To change nothing? To follow my passions? To ride a horse? To ride a roller coaster? To learn Spanish? To do missions overseas? To say no and to make boundaries. To figure out how I want to relate to my family. To discover my sinfulness a new. To learn to be lonely and not turn to coping mechanisms. To stop binging on food and tv. To lean into who I am and who I was created to be. To sort through and sift through my past and look at it and entrust it and my future to Jesus.

I am in the middle. This is where He has me. Sit. Wait. Trust. Grow. Put down roots. Lean on Jesus.