The Conduit and the Source

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about fear. Fears that I have for the future - for any changes that I might make. I look back and I see a life that G and I built together. Our home, our ministry, our relationship, our church. It feels safe. Familiar. Tested and well-tread ground that I know can hold me up. And when I think about changing any of those things, I feel fear. Fear of failure. Fear of losing income. Fear of making the wrong decision.

It's like the past has this safety umbrella that was built by G. And if I move out from underneath that umbrella, I am no longer safe. There's unknown dangers. Unseen twists and turns. Risk. Change means risk.

As I was processing these things with my friend, I realized that there's a lot of false thinking there.

1. The past wasn't as rosy as I'm painting it to be. It was full of pain and twists and turns. Lots of changes. So much uncertainty. G wasn't always steady and a lot of times it felt like the world (of our life) was on my shoulders. I couldn't trust him to answer his phone in an emergency. He didn't always know the right answers. He made mistakes. He was sinful and sometimes his sin landed us in a mess. There's a sense in which a bow is tied on the past - like I can look back and see how it all worked out and I can forget what it felt like in the middle. G wasn't perfect. He never made me secure. Yes, we were in it together. And being in anything - even a painful mess- with someone else feels a lot better than being in uncertainty alone. I could lean on him or heck, even blame him, if things went wrong. Now I stand on my own two feet.

2. G was never my safety umbrella. He was not the source of the blessings in my life. God was always the source. God brought us together. He led us into ministry. Brought us to the campus that was the perfect spot for us when we wanted to go to one 5 hours away. He blessed us with our son. Moved us to a different campus and sustained us through a hard season of confronting abuse in the family and leading in a difficult place in ministry. He led me and sustained me when G was in the hospital for his heart and for his mental health. He carried me through when we had to sell our home and G was a total mess. He provided the money for our home and kept it on the market when there were only 3 homes available and other offers were being made. He planted us in a neighborhood with neighbors that would quickly become beloved friends. He brought us into a sweet time of healing - in our marriage, in G's health, in our mental health, in our relationships. Never along this journey was G ever the source of these blessings. He was many times the conduit. Many times God used him in mine and P's life. He loved us. He cared for us. He protected us. He was in it with us. Never perfectly and never on his own strength.

3. God is my source for the future. He has always been. He is the giver and taker of gifts. He gave me G for a season and then he took G from me. He has sustained me for 14 months as I've adjusted to living without G. To being single and lonely. To fighting temptation that I haven't faced in so long. For navigating decisions for new schools, new roles, new relationships. He will guide me. He will always be my source. The conduits that he uses may change. They may change a lot. But he will never change. He will always provide. He will always be my source.

So this means I haven't left the protective umbrella because God hasn't removed his presence from me. I am safe in his hands and I am safe in his will. I can face the unknown future not with confidence in myself but with confidence in God. And I can look back and trace his hand and know that the is the one who has always been with me.

The conduit has changed. But the source has not.