That's a Wrap - 2nd Grade

My goodness, how is my boy finishing 2nd grade tomorrow? A grade that G wasn't here for at all.

He's up to my shoulders now and growing like a weed. And it seems like every week I see more and more of his daddy in him.

These transitions are so bitter sweet. And tonight I'm struck by the fact that by tomorrow we will have completed a full school year at a new school - something that G wasn't a part of at all. G never heard of LW but he would love it. G was supportive of my homeschooling P but also was the biggest supporter of us switching if needed.

Moving forward is hard because it feels like we have to leave G behind. New adventures that he was never a part of. New phases of life that he knows nothing about. More and more decisions that I'm making on my own and this little boy who is becoming a big kid before my eyes.

Life is so fragile and so strange.

I've spent a good portion of tonight reading our old medical blog again and I'm right in the thick of G's transplant and all the mess that happened medically afterward. I never could've imagined the life we have now in November of 2020. I couldn't imagine this amazing boy. The things we've learned. The ways I've grown. The home we have. The ministry God gave us. But most of all I couldn't imagine not having G by my side. He was my rock. My best friend. My life revolved around him in so many ways. And now I've lived more than 17 months without him. In some ways it feels like 17 years.

I feel sick when I read the blog. Sick to hear what we went through. Like it's someone else's nightmare life - but it's mine.

And I feel glad for G. His suffering is over and my did he suffer. His trauma and PTSD no longer affect him. He is free. He is whole. He is restored. He will never gasp for breath again.

But me? I'm the walking wounded now. I'm walking but there's a limp. A permanent wound that is healing but will never go away. My life partner - the one I walked through the nightmare with - he's gone. He's gone ahead.

I am learning to stand on my own. To trust myself. To let the Lord be my rock. To believe that He has good things in store.

So tonight I will try to get some sleep. And tomorrow I will try to put shelves up on my walls and get ready for family to visit and celebrate P's last day of 2nd grade. And I will be happy and sad. I will rejoice and I will grieve. And I will continue to walk this road. 2nd grade may be over but this marathon of grief and life and single parenting continues. May the Lord give me grace to continue on.