So Confused

I can't stop thinking about HW.

He came over yesterday to help me with a home repair, and ended up being here for 3.5 hours - with 2 trips to the store to get supplies for me.

I don't trust my heart or myself when it comes to him.

Because I feel like I have a school-girl crush! And how can I have a crush on HW while at the same time I miss G?

He is so different than G. In ways that I appreciate. And there are similarities too. He is so caring, adores his kids, is a great dad from everything I can see, loves Jesus, and is keeping going in impossible circumstances.

Because this is a place where I'm honest I"m going to be honest.

Being around a man feels good. He is masculine. Bigger than me. Stronger than me. Has strong hands and arms and shoulders. I love the feeling of being around a man who is strong and bigger. I think his graying beard and hair are so handsome. His deep voice is so manly. I'm just a woman who is attracted to a man and being with him for so many hours yesterday, in very close proximity since I was holding a flashlight while he worked on my ceiling light, did not lessen the attraction at all!

And he has a servants heart. Is very open and answers every question I ask - and the more he talks the more I realize we have in common. Which he doesn't know because he doesn't ask me questions - I'm just peppering him with questions keeping the conversation going. But I think that's pretty normal male/female difference though I do worry that maybe it's a sign that this is a one-way crush.

Ugh, a crush. I'm 36. He is 51. What place do crushes have in the lives of widows and widowers?

And how does the Lord think about all of this? Am I supposed to be alone because G died? Am I free to remarry. - okay yes I know that I am. Does age difference matter to the Lord? I doubt it. Would it be a worthy use of my life to be a step-mom to his sweet kids? Yes! I adore those kids. Gosh does my heart swell when I think that maybe my life-long dream of having a daughter could be answered in his sweet girl EG. And his boy G just captures my heart. He is all boy and yet there's this tenderness in him. These kids. Ugh!

And here I must have open hands. Because this may not at all be God's plan. And even if it is, it will be no fairy tale. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Re-marriage cannot be any easier than marriage in your 20s! Blended families are messy. None of this will satisfy my soul. Just like G didn't and P doesn't. Nothing can satisfy my longing, idol-factory heart except for Jesus.

But at the same time, God's good plan for life for most people is marriage and family. He designed kids to be raised by two parents together. He said it is not good for us to be alone.

Keep my hands open Lord. I open them to you again. I know that you know what you are doing. I don't have to force anything. I don't need to scheme or worry or plan. I need to wait. To trust. TO SLOW MY HEART DOWN. To obey when I know you are telling me to wait. To not text. To wait on HW if he is interested. In his time he will make that clear. It's not mine to pursue. It's mine to wait (ugh how hard that is!). And it is mine to not fix my hope on that which may never be but on you Lord. You and you alone. I can love, enjoy, serve others. But only you can be my source of love and joy and peace and contentment. Help me to live contented in you and open to wherever you might lead. Amen.