Sleep and a Break

I slept for 10 hours last night.

What a difference it makes to not be in our room, our home, our bed. Everything at night screams G's absence. No one to talk to, joke with, snuggle with. No breathing machine to listen to. New additions like the essential oil diffuser. No one to say goodnight to.

I've been up so late at home - its just hard to sleep.

The first week or so after G died, I was so beyond exhausted that I fell asleep quickly every night and pretty soon after I went to bed. But since then I've been up late, restless, anxious, hungry, just resisting sleep because sleep means dreams of G and waking up to realize he's not home. He's not coming home.

Last night at my parents house it didn't feel like G was dead - it felt like we were visiting him and he's back home waiting for us. The grief isn't nearly as intense here. It's a nice break.

And sleeping 10 hours made a huge difference. I didn't feel like a zombie.

I rode a horse, I played with my son, I started making a quilt out of my husband's belongings.

I even faced the double closet of baby gear that I was never able to get rid of just in case God gave us another child. God didn't. And G is gone. There will be no more child. Maybe it's the finality that makes it easier - I'm not giving up on a dream. My dream died with G. It is gone. And so getting rid of the trappings of it are easier now.

Or maybe I'm numb again?

Either way, sleep and a break feels really good.