Satisfaction

"I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.

Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it." - Psalm 81:10

What am I looking to for satisfaction?

A plan for my life (one that I know and accept and can follow).

Attention from HW.

Feeling like I'm making a difference in ministry.

Carrying on G's legacy.

Relationships in general - friends and family that make me feel seen and known.

Fitting in.

Again, a PLAN for my life.

But in Psalm 81, God reminds us that He is the one who satisfies. He is the one who fills us. He is our deliverer.

I confuse gifts for what is needed. It would be a gift, a blessing, sheer grace, to have a new relationship with a man who loves and pursues me. I would enjoy that. I long for that.

It would be a gift if God uses my little life and story for something bigger than the daily grind of sanctification and managing the roles I have as single mom.

It would be a gift if I felt included. Seen. Pursued by friends and family. A gift to not be on the outside, not be the one who always must put forth the effort because my partner and husband is no longer here to be a team with me.

It would be a gift (or maybe a curse!) to know where my life is headed. To have the assurance in my mind and my emotions that all of this is going somewhere beautiful and meaningful.

But I have more than that, and I was reminded of it this morning in my ESV Devotional Psalms book with a quote from Augustine.

"So what should we do in sharing the love of God, whose full enjoyment constitutes the happy life? It is God from whom all those who love him derive both their existence and their love; it is God who frees us from any fear that he can fail to satisfy anyone to whom he becomes known; it is God who wants himself to be loved, not in order to gain any reward for himself but to give to those who love him an eternal reward- namely himself".

It is the enjoyment of God that constitutes a happy life. I can enjoy God now. As a single mom. In my loneliness. At my husband's graveside. When I feel forgotten by others.

It is God who will satisfy me. I know this - but am having to learn it in deeper ways. Because all the holes that were left behind when G died are having to be filled by God. No one else can do it. No one else wants to do it. Even a new husband would not do it! G didn't do it! G did not satisfy me. But he was a gift and there are massive holes in my life and heart with him gone. I am frantically trying to fill them, all the while God has promised that he alone can.

It is God whose love for me overflows into love for him which overflows into eternal blessings. His love never takes, it always gives. He does not need my love, but it blesses my heart to love him. To love him is my reward. To love him is my hope of fulfillment. To love him is life.

As the devotional says, "Walk with God. Enjoy him. Ponder his love. This is your fullest humanity."

It would not be wrong to fall in love with a man again. It would be wrong to look to that man to satisfy my soul.

It would not be wrong to have a life that feels purposeful. It would be wrong to look to purposes beyond knowing and loving God to satisfy my soul.

Maybe this is why I am in "the middle". Forced to be alone. Forced to wait on God. Forced to learn that no new circumstance is coming to save me from this. Loss and grief and widowed mom life - those aren't going away. I can frantically run after people and jobs and relationships and adventures to make me okay. Or, I can sit. In this. And look to Jesus.

It is HARD. I am running so hard after other things. Jesus, help me to sit in what you have for me now, and to know that whether I am in these circumstances or other ones, you are my hope and satisfaction.