Rescued Through Suffering

I had a chance to go on a walk and think for the first time in weeks. And of course I started thinking about G.

Gosh have I been missing him lately. I've been missing his encouragement. His feedback. The way I didn't have to be quite so brave when he was by my side. I miss my proof-reader, the one I bounce my ideas off of, the one who pushed me and encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone. I miss being known and loved - intimiately. I just miss HIM.

And I wondered once again why he had to die. Why did God take him? How is this the plan that he wrote before G or P or I were born? That crazy awful, scary, blessed day when G went home to Heaven was written before any of us were born. And it was God's plan A for us. Not a mistake. Not a sign that things are out of control. Not a mistake made by doctors. A day ordained by God.

Which got me thinking of all the other days God ordained for us. All the hard days, all the suffering, all the NOs to our prayers.

God didn't rescue us from suffering the way that we wanted him to. He didn't rescue G from a cardiac condition that sprang up suddenly and nearly killed him at the age of 21. He didn't rescue me from panic attacks and an anxiety disorder that I was too ashamed to speak to anyone about for years. He didn't rescue us from terrible advice and miserable comforters. Didn't rescue us from misdiagnosis and unnecessary open heart surgery. Not from that terrible doctor appointment when G was told he was dying and needed either a liver or heart transplant. Not from G waking up on a ventilator to a surgeon telling him the surgery was unnecessary and he needed a heart transplant while he couldn't move or talk and we were running down the hall to be with him. Not from kidney failure and painful recovery. Not from AMR rejection and so many side effects. Not from trouble getting pregnant. Not from a toxic work environment. Not from abusive family members. The list just goes on. And it ultimately ends in death. God did not rescue G from death or us from losing him.

So no, God did not rescue us from suffering.

But he did rescue us from something worse - ourselves.

Suffering is a purifier. It is a fire that burns away the sin and idols and false saviors. God rescued us from thinking life on earth could satisfy. He rescued us from thinking that each other could somehow fulfill our hearts. He rescued us from the American dream and the prosperity gospel. He rescued us to and for himself. He made us more patient, our faith stronger, our perseverance greater. He rescued us from inadequate pictures of him and replaced them with a God that we can't fit in a neat little box. He rescued us from sitting on our front porch in rocking chairs when we are older. He rescued us from forgetting that this is not our home.

I don't want to suffer. But if I must, I want it to be the suffering that rescues. Yes, I'd like to be rescued out of it. I'll probably still pray for that. But mostly, I'll pray to be rescued through it. For God to use it for my good and for his glory. For him to use it to keep our eyes on him and on eternity. For him to take my son's suffering and make him into a man that loves God and loves people more than anything else.

Jesus never promised a world free from suffering. At least not until he returns. But he stepped into this world and suffered with us. He took the hopeless, fruitless, painful suffering, and turned it into something that in his hands can make something - someone - beautiful.