Remembering and Letting Go

One of the hardest parts of grief lately is realizing that I have to let go of G. I have to let go of our relationship and the life we built together.

Just last week I had a moment where it dawned on me that I'm not married. It felt confusing, and scary and disloyal and a little gross - and like a relief all at the same time. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about this idea. What does it mean to not be married? What does it mean to be single? I haven't been single since I was 19. Haven't been unmarried since 22. Never have I been in my mid-30s, a mom, and suddenly trying to figure out what it means that my husband died and is in Heaven. I will see him someday, but not in this life.

"Until death do us part". Death did us part. So now what?

It feels like there are thousands, hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of strings that tied us together as one and now they have to be cut. They were severed in his death - but not in my heart or even really in my mind. Now, I have to face those strings and cut them. To let him free. To let him go. He isn't here and holding on as tight as I can to our marriage won't work. I can't have a marriage with someone who is gone. Gosh does that feel hard to even think about. It's like I know the right words but my heart doesn't believe it.

He can't really be gone, right? He's surely coming home. You can't be here drinking orange juice at the table and talking with me and by the end of the night be dead. Gone. It's incomprehensible. Yet, it's the very truth that I need to face. I can't live in the past. I can't pretend this isn't happening. It isn't going away. He won't be coming home. And I will see him again in Heaven someday - but that will be different. Somehow better- oh so much better! But very, very different.

So today I went through some of his things. They say that keeping all your loved ones things is a sign of being stuck in grief - and I've barely gotten rid of anything. I've given some important items to family and given away some things he really didn't like (such as a suit that he was planning to replace after the pandemic because he felt frumpy in it).

Today I went the next step. Emptied a couple drawers in his dresser. I'm giving a big bag of shorts and pants away to Goodwill. A few dress shirts and a t-shirt that he didn't really like too. I have a stack of books that we will bring to the used book store to trade in for store credit so that P can get some books he likes. G loved to give P nice things. I like when I can take something that was G's and turn it into something for P.

I got rid of some under ware that G didn't like but kept his favorite pairs. Why? I don't know. Just can't let go yet. And his favorite socks. I might wear them this winter.

It's a step. A

healthy step. A hard step. Saying goodbye - it's not something I want to do. It's not something I really did even when he was dying because it all happened so quickly. I have to eventually say goodbye. Not today. But today I gave away some things. I cut a little string - and I hate to say that I did because it feels so wrong and disloyal- but I did and it's right.