Protection and Provision

God gives us protection and provision. No - God IS our protection and provision.

As I've been chasing down this relationship with HW (that is absolutely going nowhere- friend zoned.. multiple times in multiple ways) I think I've been chasing down provision.

I enjoy him. I enjoy our dynamic. I enjoy having a man back in my life. I enjoy the friendship and attention. The little texts and jokes back and forth. Someone to reach out to who cares. Someone who wants to know when I'm back in town and cares about what I'm doing and where I'm going. Someone who can help me and partner with me in life.

But Gosh, none of that is really who HW is or was! He is a friend and sometimes things became flirty. And messed with my heart because it felt good.

But I'm the one who was chasing him down. I was the initiator. I was the one who remembered his most important days and reached out - or reached out on mine. Yes he responded.

That's what's been happening this whole time.

I initiate. He responds. Or something doesn't if I make him uncomfortable and veer into emotions or conversation about us.

So it would seem that the Lord who loves me immensely is protecting me. This family has been a provision in many ways and still may be through our friendship. But any romantic relationship is off the table and that is probably a provision.

I can dream up things in my head all day and imagine how our life together would work out so well. But he has given me CLEAR signals over and over that we are friends and that is all. So now I need to guard my heart. I need to figure out what level of friendship and interaction I'm okay with. Mostly I need to open my hands and let the Lord be the Lord and give all of this over to him.

I can control nothing. I can't control who God brings in to my life our out of my life. But I can take this time to focus on growing closer to him, growing as a person, leaning in to what he's doing, running to Him and strengthening my friendships with other women instead of chasing down John.

Lord give me strength. I am so, so weak, lonely and afraid. I need you.