Our Anniversaries Now

Today is our first anniversary after G died - the one month anniversary of his death. I hate that all of our special days and all of our anniversaries are now happening without him - now happening to commemorate losing him.

But it went better than I thought.

I had maybe 15 minutes to think while laying on the couch today while P was busy on the computer. And the tears started to come. That well of sadness that is so deep inside started to bubble up. But then I had to make lunch. Had to push down that desperate sadness and do the next thing. There's so much of that right now. Remember or think of something -> feel sad -> push it down because there's no privacy or time to grieve.

I told my counselor that I feel like there's this pool of grief in front of me. And I'm trying to avoid getting in. Maybe if I refuse, the pool will close and I will go home and not be wet and G will be waiting for me? So I'm dipping my toe in, or something is pushing me forward, but I am bracing myself, holding my arms taught, fighting the plunge. She said that I'm not ready for the plunge. Grief isn't necessarily a plunge. It's a slow lowering into the pool of grief because the plunge is too much.

So P and I recorded some memories in his special book "My Story About You and Me". We went on an adventure in the woods. We went to the waterfall park. The one I hoped G would be able to go to with us this fall. The one G and I went to 12 years ago when we first moved to this town. He loved woods. He loved nature. He proposed to me in front of a waterfall. But he didn't get to go with us as a family. COVID, crowds, walking, a drive - it was all much for him in the end.

But P and I went and even though I felt panicked on the drive and also like I had no business behind the wheel because I was so tired, we made it. And it was good to walk and be together outside. And I told P that G and I had been there 12 years ago. And we talked about missing G's hugs and his funny jokes. And he gave me a hug.

And we came home and watched Blue Planet (which they loved to watch together until the very end when G was cranky and so tired of watching it). And I talked to my counselor and dinner arrived and some cards from friends and a sweet care package.

And just like that our first anniversary - the one month anniversary of his death is drawing to a close. One month ago right now (it's 9:07pm) he was in the active dying stage. Linda from hospice was with us. UT and UN and I sat around him. P was in his room (I hope asleep but I can't remember when he finally fell asleep). P came down or had already come down to give a final hug to G. And by 11pm he was gone. In his favorite chair, under his favorite blanket, but our Christmas tree. I can't believe it happened. I can't believe there are 12 months in a year and I've lived 1 without him already.

I am sad. I am numb. I miss him so much. A part of me feels like he's coming home (not my brain obviously). Gosh am I not ready to face my future without him.