Numbing the Pain

I'm sitting on the bed with candy wrappers next to me having just spent an hour looking up stupid reality TV gossip online. I'm numbing the pain.

The truth is I'm lonely. When P goes to sleep there is no one to talk to. Friends check in but things are different. The group chat with friends is pretty much about my grief. I feel like it should be more and yet their concerns seem so trivial.

I almost asked how their Easters were. I stopped myself. Do I really want to see pictures of them and their kids and husbands?

You are supposed to reach out when you are grieving. Don't isolate. Stay in contact with friends. But it hurts. It's lonely. It's always good and it's always sad. Nothing is the same.

Tomorrow is P's birthday and he was feeling scared about it. How much of that is because G is gone? He said it's a part of it. My sweet child. Our sweet boy. G's boy. So much going on in that little mind of his. So much to process at such a young age. I am so dependent on Jesus to help me love and shepherd and care for our boy.

Oh G - I'm doing my best. I miss you oh so much.

Always loved you, always will.