No tears today

I tried to cry today. I even sat next to his grave, freshly covered in sod and sprinkled with flowers by our boy, while looking at pictures from the day he died. The sorrow inside just couldn't come out. If I wasn't reading books on grief that tell me this is normal, I would be worried.

I would've cried earlier in the day. After my son pitched a fit over his school assignment - the first time I've tried to do school with him since before my husband went to the hospital over a month ago. He was angry and growling and throwing his paper and giving me his meanest look - and I just put my head in my hands and tried to keep it together.

And I would've cried when the care package arrived from Songs in the Night - requested by someone whose name I didn't recognize. I felt so seen. Not alone. There are other young widows? There's care packages specifically for young wives and young kids after their husband and daddy died? I barely held back the tears then as I read the scripture cards to P. But no, I didn't feel free to cry. My parents were watching. I'm not sure how to grieve in front of them. I only know how to be strong in front of them.

I wanted to cry again when P told me he is angry at the doctors for not helping daddy. I am too. I'm so angry. But I'm worried that I'm harming P because he knows I'm angry - he's known I'm angry. I told him that I met with the doctors and told them how mad I am (which I did a week ago and gosh was that hard and emotionally exhausting). Yet, I think deep down I know that they couldn't do anything for G. They told me themselves. They didn't know why he died so quickly. His death doesn't even make sense for someone with diastolic heart failure. There are "two ways" that people die. G died a third way.

Am I angry at God? I don't think I am but I keep coming back to this. He is Sovereign. He ultimately is the one who determined the day G would die. But I trust God. And maybe I've been mad at Him other times when and I don't want to go down that path again. Being mad at the doctors or even myself or even G himself seems easier.

I wish I could cry. It's sort of like nausea. When you eat something bad and it makes you nauseous, sometimes you just want to throw up and get it over with - get the badness out. That's how I feel tonight. Like the grief just won't come out so instead it is staying inside, making my heart sick.