No One's Priority

I'm no one's priority. I used to be G's. There was someone who thought of me. Prioritized me. Preferred me. Someone who was my default +1, my built in friend. Someone I would always do holidays with. Someone who remembered my birthday. And made my favorite meal on my birthday without me having to explain what it is. Someone whose plans revolved around me.

This sounds so selfish but it went both ways. He was my priority. I preferred him, prioritized him. Went up to him first in a room. My ears perked up in a crowded room because I loved his voice and his stories. I knew to make his favorite birthday cake every year. I made sure to give him a thoughtful card (with a note - not just a pre-written message!) because that mattered to him. I would always answer his phone. Respond to his needs. Scratch his back. Listen to him share about his day.

Neither of us did these things perfectly but perfection wasn't the point. We were a unit. We were looking out for each other. We always had the other in mind.

Now? I'm no one's priority. P has become mine because I am his momma. His only living parent.

P is P's priority (he's 6) and one day he will, God willing, have a spouse and a family and they will be his priority. My parents have each other. My siblings have their families. My friends have their spouses and families. My single friends have their already established relationships. Me? It's just me.

On Mother's Day, it's just me to help P pick out a gift. On my birthday, no one in the house will be doing anything for me. No one asks about my day. No one to scratch my back. People make plans with me, but if their top people have other needs, mine get shifted down the line.

This is singleness. This is widowhood. This is loneliness. And it sucks. I'd been G's person since 2004. More than 16 years. Now my person is in Heaven. And all I want to do is give him a hug. A big bear hug from my big bear guy. Love him forever.