Mother's Day 2022

It's Mother's Day again. My second without G here.

I truly can't remember last year. What did we do? Did we celebrate? I feel sure that P had some gifts or did something sweet for me. I feel certain that family sent flowers or something else to show their love and care.

This year I feel very much on my own. Another holiday that I am not numb for. One I've been anticipating and that is now on me to plan. And planning your own Mother's Day celebration? The pitts.

G was so sweet about Mother's Day. He was so proud to be a dad, so happy he had made me a mom. It was a dream and a prayer that we thought would never happen. P was a slice of redemption in our hard, hard story. He made us normal. He was our dream come true. He brought life and hope back into our lives.

I remember my first Mother's Day - G surprised me with a delicious selection of pastries for breakfast and some sweet, sweet gifts like my little coin pouch with $100 for P's college and the mug that said our hearts were friends -or something very sweet like that with the two little owls. And he used P's tiny little fist to draw in the card and I cried and cried when I saw it.

The next year we dedicated P to the Lord on Mother's Day and G surprised me with my "P ring". The beautiful birthstone ring I've worn every day since. He grilled salmon and asparagus and made my favorite Red Lobster cheddar biscuits - it was a tradition. I think this was the year of the amazing dome chocolate cake too - but that could've been the year before.

One year we got the cherry tree in our front yard - went to the nursery to pick it out.

Another year we got the bushes that are now so big and I planted them (I love to do that) and we went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner.

Our last year - 2020- was during the pandemic and he surprised me again with my favorite meal of salmon and asparagus and cheddar biscuits. Did we get cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory that year too? I think we did but I'm not sure. He made dinner with P but was getting overwhelmed with timing it all so I jumped in to help. I think I was reading my Harry Potter books on the couch while they cooked together.

All of these memories remind me that he knew me. He saw me. He loved me. He made it special for me because I was special to him. He valued and cherished me as his wife and as P's mom. He knew the things I love - plants and gardening and Cheesecake :). He was intentional and planned and some times asked what I wanted to do but also he knew. He knew my favorite meal. He knew I just wanted some time to rest and then some time with my boys. He knew my heart treasured simple things.

And I miss him. I miss being known like that. Seen like that. Cheered on like that. I miss my husband being proud of me. I miss knowing he would be by my side even when P grew up. I miss him valuing me as a mom even when P didn't or knowing that someday P might not.

There's a hole this year.

We will go to church ( I finally decided). Visit G's grave on the way home. Eat something for lunch. Ride horses and see HW and his kids. Maybe join friends for dinner. I'll probably get some texts from friends. I have a few cards and a gift to open. Maybe someone will send flowers. On Monday P will bring home the thing he made me at school that he forgot.

I've had to dig deeper as a momma this year than ever before. Gosh would G celebrate that. Gosh do I wish I could get one of his hugs and read one of his cards and take a picture with my boys.

I miss you baby. I love you and always will.