Morning After Thoughts

This hurts.

I woke up and it still hurts. But it does feels a little different - or maybe I'm just getting some clarity.

• I tried way too hard. I think I was enjoying a masculine presence and interpreting everything that happened between us through the lens of longing. And when I think back over the months since we became friends (early Nov) the only thing that he initiated was the first hang out. And that is embarrassing to admit. Everything else has been me - initiating, planning, making things happen. Yes, he took me ideas and ran with them. Yes, he always showed up. Until the last couple weeks at least.

• The man was single for a long time after his divorce which probably means he has had a lot more female friends in his life than I have since I married young and stayed married. He probably has way more experience and comfort with platonic friendships with the opposite sex.

• This one is embarrassing but I think I tried really hard to get him to like me. To think about me. To not forget me. Cookies and texts and finding little favors to do. Playdates with the kids. All of these were really because I enjoyed his attention and wanted to spend time with him.

• He treated me like he treats everyone else. Yes, there may have been extra things we did together, more indepth conversations, texting and stuff (again, initiated by me!) but when we were in groups he never gave me special attention or acted any different towards me than anyone else. He is kind and unflappable and charming. He is a gentleman and eager to help and looking for needs to fill. With other married women he seems like just a nice, friendly guy. With me, there was an aching whole and it looked like maybe he could fill it.

• This might be partially on him but I think it is mostly on me misinterpreting things. Clinging to straws. Hoping something was happening. I put myself out there and he told me we are just friends but I didn't quite believe it. The party yesterday made me believe it. Seeing him with another woman made me believe it.

• Why does part of me still hope? There are feelings towards him that need to be killed. I am attracted to him, admire him, care for him. Too much. I need lots of distance and time.

• I have to be careful to not try to fill the holes inside my heart with anything or anyone except for Jesus. I knew this before but I really know it now. It makes me vulnerable. It leads me down unwise paths. It clouds my judgement. It's idolatry. Oh to only make true in my heart what I know in my head.

• I need to be gentle with myself. Let myself cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel loss. This is a loss! At the very least a loss of a relationship that I thought had potential and gave me companionship and fun and something to look forward to. I am afraid of facing the pain in my heart but just like any grief - I need to lean into it in order to get through it. And I can learn from this.

• Thank goodness we will be away most of the summer. Thank goodness we have friends coming home. Its time to lean into our other friendships and relationships. Family and friends who love us and have been here for us and aren't going anywhere.

• Our families can remain friends but only if it's totally different. Very occasional. Not family hangouts. It's time to protect my heart. Shield my heart. Not let myself get hurt or confused or led on by someone who has no intention of a relationship with me.

• I miss my husband. I miss marriage. I miss companionship. I miss having a man in my life. I miss that intimate, best-friend, inside jokes, getting each other, palpable energy relationship. I am grieving. I tried to fix my grief with HW. Having this friendship/nebulous relationship end with him is going to bring out more grief with G because it was a great distraction and kept me from feeling the full weight of G's absence. Someone to talk to, bake for, get to know, think about, have help me, borrow tools or get advice from.

• I can take the benefits I received and run. Horses are back in my life. Wisdom has been gained. My porch is clean! I now have a great life insurance agent, financial planner and soon to be car/home insurance agent. My ducks are in a row more. I'm more prepared.

• And my heart freaking hurts. Now I need to turn to Jesus. Lean in. Let it hurt. And go to the source of life and healing - which is not HW!