More Than Okay

G is more than okay.

I need to remember this.

There are moments when I want him back. Other moments when I worry about what he would think of my choices - especially the ones that I know wouldn't be his.

I've struggled with feelings of disloyalty to him as my interest in and relationship with HW deepens. In life, he got so much of his "okayness" from me. Now there's nothing I can give him. Is he okay?

Aren't these strange thoughts? But real. I have to continually remind myself that I fulfilled my vows and my commitment to him. Nothing I do now effects him. At all! But it's strange to go from 100% of your decisions impacting your beloved for 16 years to 0% overnight. The remnants of worry, guilt, and hyper-vigilance remain.

But this morning I read in Psalm 84:10 these words:

"For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

Than dwell in the tents of wickedness."

The King James Version says "rather than the dwell in the tabernacles of sinners"

G is far better off now. One day with the Lord is better than a thousand with me. A thousand days on this earth could only contain a drop of joy that the ocean of the Lord's presence can give. G would rather be where he is now. It was not better for him to be on this broken earth, experiencing brokenness in his body and mind. Brokenness in our marriage. Brokenness in me. Because I am a sinner. And any good gift I could give him was affected by my sinful nature. My presence did not and could not satisfy him, nor his presence me. G is free. He knows now. He has experienced the "fullness of joy" that is in God's presence (Psalm 16:11) - the pleasures forevermore that he experiences just by being with the Lord.

So he is free. He is more than okay.

And I am free.

I no longer have to live my life in light of him. Of course I will always remember him, always be effected by the years we had together, always be influenced by the ways that knowing and loving him changed me. But I am free to make decisions, make changes, and live my life. Knowing that he is okay. More than okay.