Missing... J?

Here I am, two days into a conference I've been to 12 times with G. And I miss.. J.

There've been moments of missing G for sure. I feel anxious about running into people I haven't seen since G died. I feel weird, out of place. Like this conference is a weird part of my past life more than it is my present reality. I don't fit. We don't fit. Where do I belong?

And there are moments of ease. No husband to make decisions with. No stress because I disagreed with how he is handling things. No concern about bags and walking and breathing and arguments over food and sodium. No being pulled in different directions between my duty to the "right thing" and my hubby.

There are reminders of G. Students he mentored that are now men and have families. Inside jokes we had that I'm reminded of. Walking up to the desk that he used to work at and he's not there.

But most of the time, I have been distracted by thinking about J. Wishing I had a text from him. Reminding myself not to text him. To wait on him. To wait on the Lord. Does J like me? Is he interested in me? Is he ready to be interested in me? Does my future lie in being his wife and the mother to his children?

All this sounds pretty nuts when I'm thinking about a man that I've spent time with 3 times (with our kids) plus a handful of conversations. And yet. I have that feeling with him that I had with G. Like he is home.

I appreciate his strength. His humor. His confidence and life experience. He's so darn helpful and so cute too. Gosh the more I spend time with him, the more I like him. Those eyes. That smile.

Yet I know I am desperately lonely and need to be careful. I want to rush ahead and text him and tell him I like him and ask him on a date (who am I?!?) but I know I need to wait. He knows where I am. I've made myself pretty clearly available. Trust. Wait. Slow the heck down. Ugh. So hard when the loneliness is so intense everywhere I go and I feel like I'm not alone with him. But we both have baggage upon baggage upon baggage. Grief and sorrow and kids and lives.

The Lord knows. This is just as much in his hands as everything else. One day at a time. Help me, Lord, to love and trust and pursue you. To wait on you and your purposes and plans. To wait on J. Lead us Lord. Only you know where this is headed.