Mad at G

A picture brought back a flood of memories. Christmas morning 2018. P opening a gift. G sitting up beside him - but slumped over asleep.

It was a terrible time in our lives. Our marriage was strained. We'd just gone through two of the hardest years in our marriage. And G still wasn't living up to my expectations of him.

If only he would try harder! If only he would stay awake on Christmas morning, or all times! My anger was at a constant simmer in those days. Never knowing if he was sleeping when he shouldn't be because of his heart, his depression, or his avoidance of life.

I don't like looking back at that season. It makes me uncomfortable. And I'm so thankful that P was so little that when he looks back all he sees is happy memories. He didn't know the undercurrents of stress, pain, tension, anger and isolation.

I've barely been able to admit to myself that I am angry with G. And that I was angry with G. That he let me down a lot. That maybe (probably?) he would still be alive if he'd made different choices. Or at least I always told myself that if he would just make different choices, he would live longer.

Who's to say? He didn't do everything right. For sure. And I think he did everything he was able to do. It just wasn't enough. Where do I go with that? Do I hold those things at the same time? He disappointed me and he couldn't do better? I'm stuck between anger and resentment and compassion.

So I'm going to make a list of things. Get them out. I feel a tiny burning in my chest that lets me know there's anger in there but I don't know how to get to it or what to do with it or even what will come out when I try to list it.

1. Abandoning me in parenthood. I did the heavy lifting with P for the majority of P's life.

2. Embarrassing me. A lot. He was authentic to a fault. I would feel so embarrassed sometimes when people would see things that I wish they didn't see about our lives or how he functioned.

3. Not taking his health seriously. This is everything from stopping exercising, not taking his medicine on time, to eating crappy food, to being addicted to salt, to not being willing to reducing his fluid intake or put on sunscreen and even freakin lotion! He was so stubborn.

4. Lying to doctors. Either covering up problems (like the constant pilonidal cyst infection) or acting like he was being more diligent than he was.

5. His anger. And the day that he went too far with it. And how he lost my trust.

6. The way he blamed our marriage problems on me. The way he looked at the years when he was angry and depressed and barely functioning and instead of apologizing for how hard it was on me, he blamed me for "running away" emotionally.

7. For the ways that he was still a broken child inside. Looking for comfort that a mother and not a wife can give.

8. Sleeping. Sleeping in. Sleeping late. Sleeping through special moments (like Christmas). Sleeping to avoid things like conferences and being with family. Sleeping in the living room and getting mad that we were making noise. Sleeping in front of guests. Sleeping in meetings. Sleeping in church. Sleeping on Zoom.

9. Not changing when he became a dad. Being unwilling to go to bed early and get up early. Being unwilling to sacrifice in the ways I thought he should.

10. The way he acted at weddings if I talked to other people. The way his insecurities embarrassed me so often.

11. How he would force his opinions on me and didn't let me disagree with him. Everything was personal to him. It was a betrayal if I wasn't 100% behind him and his opinions.

12. Making me do things solo at conferences and retreats. Hiding in our room. I hate doing things solo. And I either had to go an answer questions about him or hide and miss out.

13. The way he acted when I would be talking with neighbors. How he wanted my full attention and wouldn't let me have the freedom to stay in conversations.

14. His view of my sister. His jealousy of my brother M. His endless comparing of himself to others.

15. Emotionally coercing me to sneak food to him in the hospital. Using guilt and manipulation and anger to get what he wanted.

16. How ungrateful he was when I would grocery shop or cook and it wasn't exactly what he wanted.

17. Abandoning me in MPD in the summer of 2015.

18. Not helping out more with P when we were with my parents so I could ride my horse or have a break.

19. His selfishness.

20. His self-pity.

21. The experiences I missed out on because I was his wife.

22. How he wouldn't stay up late at night to make sure I was home safe if I was out.

23. He very rarely answered his phone if I called him but then got very angry with me the few times I didn't answer his call.

24. He was not dependable. I worried about him being mine or P's emergency contact. Would anyone ever reach him?

25. The number of times he got traffic or parking tickets. How little he cared about that.

26. The times he quit counseling.

27. The times he put ministry above us and then the times he made us the center of his universe and it was suffocating.

28. The way he would indulge his dark thoughts.

29. Leaving me to sell our home while he was in the mental hospital for suicidal thoughts. It was a nightmare.

30. Not being there for my baptism.

31. The weight I carried of our life solo. The way every trip I had to pack for us. Every thing I had to plan for us. Every date I planned too.

32. Pretending to like gifts he got me because he thought I'd like them and I didn't feel the freedom not to.

33. The part of our carpet padding that was squished down from him always laying on it.

34. The number of times he spilled red drinks on the carpet and didn't seem to care or change his behavior.

35. How he would get mad if I "out dressed" him. But didn't put it on himself to dress nicer for me.

36. He could've done more. He could've tried harder.