Losing People

(written 2/10/22 - posted late)

Yesterday was triggering.

HW let me know that his kids won't be returning to the same school that they currently go to with my son. And that a lot of families are leaving due to some issues that I'm still not aware of.

Rumble, rumble. Tremors in the earth under my feet.

As I sat through meetings throughout the morning, my mind kept coming back to my conversation with him. And I just felt like I had to text and ask if we could still be friends once they leave the school. He responded that of course we could! Why wouldn't we?

And that's what triggered it.

Because I have lost so many relationships lately. With the year of COVID isolating us, and then Gs death changing everything about our lives, and friends moving - I feel like I keep losing people. Relationships that I spent years building are gone or majorly reduced due to distance and life-changes. People I love - G and my grandmother - are gone. My closest friends live out of town, out of state, out of country. The relationships that were held together by G are essentially gone. I've had to build a new community from scratch - and now that ones about to change?

I shed a lot of tears yesterday. Tears because I miss G so much. Tears because my relationship with the one who loved me more than anyone else loves me is gone. Tears because he adored us and I miss being adored. I miss everything about being someone's spouse, their special person, their love, their best friend and partner. I cried because P's Daddy is gone and his Daddy loved him so incredibly much.

I cried because my heart is so attached to HW and his family and I realized what a loss it would be to lose them. I hadn't realized how much they mean to me already until I thought about losing their friendship.

And I cried because the sand keeps shifting under my feet. People, circumstances, locations, jobs - these things constantly change. Only Jesus won't. The shifting stands are throwing me off. Making me feel abandoned, alone, worried, destabilized. But Jesus. He will never leave me nor forsake me.