Loneliness

The family leaves and the loneliness returns.

I am searching for something - someone- to take away the loneliness.

P isn't the answer. My child is not my partner. I love him but he is not what my soul craves. I crave a man to be beside me, with me. To talk to me. To cuddle me. To hold my hand and let me put my shoulder on his. Someone who is bigger, stronger, solid. Masculine.

There's a tension here because I had that in G and I still felt lonely. G couldn't make me unalone. There's a loneliness in every relationship, I'm realizing. A brokenness that sin brings that prevents that perfect union. And yet, I wasn't alone. I had a hand to hold. An eye to catch. A hug to receive and to give. A feeling of being in it with someone else. I was seen (even when I was seen to be frustrating). I was known - known enough to not have to explain - to get past the small talk - to share my heart - to be prodded when my sin was exposed.

Since this is anonymous and I can be honest here, I'm just going to say it. Most of the time, I no longer crave G's presence. I'm getting used to him not being here. But I am starting to long for J's presence. A widower I met who I am drawn to. Who is strong, and solid, and masculine. Who serves so sweetly and father's his children so tenderly. Who I respect so much for all he has done since his beloved wife died. Who is older and different and has had such a different life than me. Who plays with his kids and it melts my heart. Who tears up when he talks about his deceased wife and it shows me just how much he loves her still. Who gets it.

But wow. The complication of it all. Trying to not pursue him. Not knowing if either of us is ready. Knowing that life is oh so short and tenuous. Wondering what people would think. Would they think I didn't love G because I care for J? Would they wonder about the age difference? Does J think I am way too young for him? Is he even interested at all or is he just friendly? Ugh.

In my loneliness I want to rush forward. Yet I know I need to wait. For God's timing. For God's will. For J to reveal what he is thinking. For time to pass. For healing to happen.

And I know that J won't be the answer for my loneliness, just like G wasn't. There's something good that God declared about a man and a woman being united in marriage. There's a loneliness apart that would've been fixed in marriage had not sin entered the world. But sin is here and sinners cannot have a perfect union the way we were designed. And so Jesus is the answer to my loneliness. He was when G was alive. He was now. He will be even if J or another man comes into my life and we are united in marriage. Jesus will be the answer as P grows up and as parents and siblings die and as I face my death someday. Jesus will always be the answer to my loneliness. And the people I love will be my sweet gifts. Not an antidote to loneliness but a gift from the Lord as I journey through this life.