Lessons Learned - Day 1 of Heartbreak

It is amazing how much can be revealed in a day. A day of letting it soak in that whatever relationship I thought I had with HW and wanted to have with HW is over - or was in my head the whole time. This is a text I sent to my close friends in the middle of the day:

So it’s day one of no contact with FJ and I am learning so much about my heart.

1. AC was right about hun being a grief distraction. Wow. Texting with him or feeling like there was potential with him was definitely helping me not feel the full weight of grief

2. I’m back to feeling super lonely and alone which makes this weekend (really just today- how long can a day be) feel hard. I want to matter to someone again. For my life to be connected to someone’s in a way that they care where I am and what I’m doing and are looking forward to seeing me. I want someone to want to know when I’ll be home or be glad I’m back in town. Without G (and without any connection to HW) I feel untethered and like we could leave the country and it wouldn’t matter all that much to anyone.

3. Maybe we were using each other to stave off the loneliness? Me as much as him? But now this other woman is in his life and he has options and doesn’t need me. Would I have been drawn to him if I wasn’t so lonely and he wasn’t willing to spend time with me?

4. I am looking back in my mind over the times we spent together and I definitely think there was interest and clear signs of interest early on. Then I got interested and we were both there but then his interest waned and mine persisted. I think he’s been pulling back for a bit and I wasn’t wanting to see it. The party yesterday just threw it in my face and I couldn’t avoid reality.

5. My counselor always says reality is our friend. It doesn’t feel like it because reality feels a lot like rejection and grief and loneliness today. BUT better to lean into all of those things than to be clinging to a relationship that wasn’t real and isn’t going anywhere. He certainly had plenty of chances over the last 6 months to make a move.

6. Never thought I’d be “that girl” or “that widow” who was desperate enough for companionship to settle. Sigh. Thanking Jesus for making things clear and protecting me from even more hurt. This HURTS. But I think mostly because I just miss G and HW was filling that hole a bit.

Yes, it was very revealing. I also realized I've been waiting on him to make plans because I want to spend time with him! So I made plans for next weekend. I realized that my interest in him has me checking me phone nearly constantly to see if he's texted. That my emotions have become way too tied to the interactions that he and I have. And most of all, that I am letting him determine my worth.

And then after him ignoring my texts on Thursday and Friday, mostly ignoring me at the party on Saturday and flirting with the other woman in front of me, and not reaching out at all on Sunday, he texted me late Sunday night. A very vague invitation to his house this week - a response 3 days late and very non-committal. And part of me was thrilled because he'd reached out! And of course I miss him! And part of me was angry because he could've sent me a text any of the prior 3 days! Was he just wondering why he hadn't heard from me? Is he just trying to keep me strung along? I am confused. And I didn't respond.

I don't know what to do or what's next but I do know that I am not going to allow myself to be strung along or treated like leftovers. I have dignity. I have worth. Jesus loves me. I have purpose and value and he can choose to pursue me or not but I will not pursue him any longer.