It's April

It's April. The month I've been dreading. The month I've tried to put off by looking the other way, not flipping the calendar to take a peek, not emotionally engaging with it.

In our home, April is known as "Birthday Month". And at some point during the month, we usually have Easter to celebrate as well. 4 big, important days, filled with memories and now - mixed emotions.

This morning - April 1- I feel okay, surprisingly. It feels like just another day.

Ready or not, P's birthday, then G's birthday, then my birthday will come. "Sure shootin"" as G would say, we will get to the other side.

There's more anticipation this year over the birthdays. Less numbness and shock. More facing them head on with all my senses able to feel the anticipation, the worry, the sadness, the loss. And yet if I've learned one thing from losing G it is that I will wake up the morning after - I will survive. If I can survive the night he died, I can survive facing our son's 8th birthday without G by my side.

God's grace is sufficient to carry me. My Lord is faithful and he is holding me. I may go to pieces, I may freeze up, my heart might feel like stone or like it is being pummeled by hard-hitting waves of grief. I might be stoic or I might have fun or I might sob at P's party. A whole range of events and feelings might happen on each of these days. And yet- the Lord will hold me. Jesus is with me. I will eventually lay down that night and wake up the next day and will with relief realize I made it.

And then the grief might really hit. I'm finding it often hits AFTER the big day or event. Once I let my guard down and relax, then the emotions come flooding in. And still, I will be held close to Jesus' bosom. The stormy emotions that rage in my heart do not threaten his grip on me.

Whether rejoicing and sorrowing. Whether disaster or piece. Whether grief or joy. Jesus has me. His grace is sufficient. His mercy is new every morning. He will carry me through April in his loving arms. Oh that I would rest and not fight him. Relax and trust and not grip so hard because I am afraid.

Lord, I trust you. Help me to trust you. Amen.