Introverted and Lonely

I'm an introvert. When G was alive I needed some time alone. I woke up in the morning before P and G so that I could have my coffee, spend some time reading my Bible and just enjoy being alone before my family was up. And a lot of days I took a nap. Or if everyone else was resting (P upstairs, G downstairs) I would sit in the quiet with a cup of coffee and get some work done. But I just needed those times to downshift and be alone. Sometimes it was just a 10 minute walk around the block to clear my head and have some silence.

Now I am never alone and often lonely. My days are filled with P. From shortly after I awake to shortly after I fall asleep. I am simultaneously exhausted from always being "on" as mom. If I want a break I have to schedule it in advance with a friend or a babysitter. And then I feel like I need to use that time well because I'm paying someone for it or using up a favor. The times I've tried to nap have been interrupted anyway and I no longer feel the freedom to have my phone on silent when P isn't with me - I'm the only parent alive if there's an emergency after all.

So I'm not alone. But I am so lonely. Lonely for companionship. Lonely for a hug. A knowing look. My companion. My best friend.

I try to fill the silence with the "noise" of the internet but it doesn't fill the void.

Being with family helps. I get to be more alone (others help entertain P) and I am less lonely - there are other adults around. Adult conversation. Normalcy. Life.

We've been gone from home for 2 nights so far. This is our third night. I don't miss home. I do miss G. But home isn't the same without him. It is lonely and sad and hard.