Intense Grief

My grief was intense today. So intense that I almost texted a friend a message saying that it felt like grief in the beginning. I spent a majority of the day crying. Doing things and crying at the same time. Sewing the throw pillows for UT and UN and crying. Looking at the LEGO set P built over the past two days (the one G was so excited to give him) and crying. Reading the card from my parents that finally had the words I needed to hear and crying.

My cries have been those deep belly cries again lately. Not at this moment. I feel so spent from a day of tears. But it's like that gut-wrenching loss that makes you feel sick and empty at the same time.

Last night I got a file of over 1,800 pictures - mostly from G's childhood. Wow. Looking through them brings up so much emotion. It is so bittersweet. His family is so broken. We have no contact with his parents. On of his younger brothers is extremely mentally ill and doesn't even resemble himself anymore in any way. An uncle is dying of brain cancer. A grandfather and grandmother are gone. Abuse has been brought into the light. Denial and accusations have torn a family apart. And in the midst of all that I see the images of G and cannot believe his life was so short.

I also realized today that I am avoiding people. Because I feel like I should be ready to care about their lives but I can barely keep mine together and all I can think about is G. Other concerns seem petty. People are upset that Prince Andrew (99.5 years old!!!) died. 99.5 years old! What did people expect?!? And my grandmother was in the hospital last week too. She's 97 years old. And my mom is struggling as she cares for her and deals with the realities that she will die. AND MY HUSBAND DIED AT 35.

Today P said that everything in life feels different without G. Like we're living on another planet.

Amen little buddy. Amen.