"I Love You All the Way Around to the Back"

The night before G died, we got him comfortable for the first time in at least a week. I had spent much of the previous day on the phone with his palliative care nurse, describing symptoms (so much pain, nausea, cold everywhere, exhausted, aches in his bones as he would say) - she became worried and decided that she'd stop by the next day, a Friday. On Friday when she saw G, she said he didn't look good. His color was a bit gray. He was shaky. It took him a long time in the bathroom (she arrived while he was in there and we waited and waited and waited) and it was a slow walk down the stairs and then we piled him with blankets. But nothing seemed seriously wrong she said. No big red flags. She was able to rule out the things she was thinking (appendicitis? A change in heart function? Infection?) were causing his symptoms.

So with a fresh dose of advice and medicine to pick up at the pharmacy, she left and told us to call 911 if anything majorly changed.

That wonderful cocktail of medicines helped. That night, UT came over for a visit. I made banana bread and strawberry sauce (apple sauced in the ninja with frozen strawberries) and G was actually able to eat some - which made me so glad because the bread had potassium and I was getting good nutrition in him. A good sign, surely!

He also sat at our table and played with LEGO Ninjago Spinjitzu Slammers with P for an hour. He had been longing to connect with P all week, but had been in too much pain. P was so energetic and wanted to wrestle his daddy. G couldn't be touched without pain. It snowed and P wanted to play outside. G was way too cold to go out side and his legs were too sore to take him there.

But they sat at the table and played together for an hour. UT made himself sparse so that he wouldn't be a distraction. I watched on and off while preparing dinner in the kitchen and took some pictures.

It would be the last time they played together.

That night, with the medicine still helping, G was able to read our advent devotional aloud during our normal family "Thankfuls and Bible story" time. Another sweet gift - something he'd been in too much pain to do all week.

Only in hindsight can I imagine how much it cost him. He was one day from death, and with the blessing of medication, used the only bit of energy he had to invest it in his boy. He loved his boy. "My boy my boy my boy" he would say.

It's hard to imagine a father delighting more in his son.

He would always say to P, "I love you allll the way around to the back" and do a big motion with his arms - showing that he loved him as big as he possibly could.

I am so thankful that P had his daddy for 6.5 years. But oh how I wish it was more. What a beautiful foundation of love G laid down for our precious son. I will always be grateful. Though he isn't with us anymore, his love for P will never leave our son.

Thank you, Sweetie, for being the best daddy in the world. I love you so much. We miss you so much.