I Don't Want Your Money

I feel numb. I feel numb when I open a card and there is money inside. I know that I SHOULD feel thankful. I SHOULD be grateful for the help because my husband isn't here any more to provide for me. Instead I feel numb. And maybe a little upset. I don't want your money - I want my husband. And a check in the mail feels like a poor substitute. I would trade every dollar I have to hug him and kiss him and hold him and have him hold me.

I know I need the money. But I can't imagine wanting to purchase something. I know I need the money. But I can't imagine ever writing a thank you note. "Thank you for the money that is supposed to somehow help me deal with my loss". I feel angry when I think about having to thank someone. Because the money is here because he isn't here.

Hopefully someday I will feel thankful. But right now, I just feel numb.