I Chickened Out

I drove to my meeting yesterday - Christmas cards and Nerds Rope in a bag, ready to be shared. But the tears started welling up below the surface, and I left them in the car.

Our Christmas card is beautiful - but its just me and P. For some reason, taking the pictures and making the card didn't bring up the emotions. But handing them to people? That feels real. Here's a card - someone is missing! G is missing. Our family of 3 is now 2.

G used to say, "I love our little family". I had longed for more children for years, but had accepted and become content that God had given us P and P was our gift. Our little family was complete. Our sweet son was enough. Not enough to fix a longing in my heart (no child and no number of children can fix that for anyone), but enough for me to surrender to God's plan. He is such a gift.

So we embraced our little family of 3.

But now it's just 2.

And the Nerds Rope? How do I walk in and say that G's favorite Christmas stocking treat is here but he isn't? Again, it just feels so real, so emotional. I wish he was here. But here's some candy instead.

So I'm going to try again today. But I'll have to let myself cry because those tears will come. And it's a safe place to cry. But its just so hard to experience the pain and I want to avoid it.

Ugh. Take 2.