Hopes for Year 2

In just over 3 hours, it will be a new year. 2022. G wasn't alive for 2021 and I remember hating that we were entering into a year in which he hadn't been on this earth. Now we are entering into another. Time sure is relentless.

It's a new year for the world, but also the start of year 2 of widowhood for me. Year 1 has been a relentless journey of survival, getting my footing, grappling with the reality of G's death, realizing the depth of my loss, and floundering in so many ways. I am proud of myself. My gosh, to have survived and to have brought a child through too is incredible. But I have so much growth to do. So much more I want from life.

I don't know where my life is headed. I've said a number of times that I feel like I've bene dropped off a side of a cliff into the darkness and I'm stumbling around, not knowing where to go. Thankfully, Jesus is in the pit with me. But he can see in the dark.

So while I don't really have plans or goals for this year, I do have some hopes:

- Figure out who I am. Who am I without G? Who am I, not as a couple, but as an individual?

- Learn to trust myself. I realized just today that I lack confidence in myself. I am scared of failing. I am comfortable in a supporting roll. But to make a life, I need to move forward, and part of moving forward is trusting myself. Learning that it's okay to fail. Realizing I am capable. Knowing that God will enable me to do what he's called me to do.

- Continue healing. Find someone who can watch P once a week so I can have some solitude. Continue doing grief work.

- Get comfortable being alone, and quiet. I also realized I'm scared to be alone. I'm alone for little bits of time, but I haven't been alone for a night. Or stayed alone in my house. Or a hotel. Or anywhere. I think I need to figure out what's going on there.

- Rebuild P's confidence so that he can spend 1-3 nights away from me (with Grandparents) and feel okay. We gotta slowly work up to that point.

- Build friendships at P's school.

- Journal more.

- Less time vegging, more time pursuing healing.

Better stop there. That's a lot of hopes. But the theme is health. Mental, spiritual, relational health. Figuring out who I am. Learning to be comfortable on my own. And gosh do I hope all this means gaining some clarity into what the Lord has for me in this new chapter of my life.

I do hope this is a "happy" new year. But I'll take a "healing" new year too.