Hindsight is 20/20

Last night was a bit of a disaster. Not in the sense that it did any lasting damage. But it sure hurt my pride and was full of bad decisions.

1. I scheduled too much. A regular night after school with homework and packing lunch and setting out clothes. Plus a visit to a graduation party (stayed too late of course out of guilt), a rush home to get on my GriefShare Zoom meeting (and my babysitter was out of town so I was doing it while P was with me) - with a super quick meal while on the computer. P was also trying to finish up the 15 cards that he wanted to make his classmates and teachers for Christmas and was exhausted and stressed.

2. P kept complaining of an ear ache. He's been complaining off an on all week. He was complaining while I was trying to focus on my grief call. I didn't slow down enough to really think - we could try tylenol, take his temperature, warm compress, maybe he just wanted my attention... - instead I promised to take him to the doctor after my meeting - just trying to give him enough emotional reassurance and comfort to let me finish up.

3. I had doubts that we needed to go to urgent care (it was 9:15pm at this point) but he said he wanted to go and I let him call the shots (parenting mistake #1, huh?). I was too tired, and too uncertain and too distracted, and too guilty that I hadn't been taking his complaints seriously and too worried that I was causing irreparable ear damage by ignoring his pain (Enneagram 6 wing 5 over here!). If I could go back in time, I could take his temperature, look up his symptoms, call the on-call doctor. There were so many options! Nope - I got him in the car and headed out to urgent care.

4. The one close to us was closed. The further one was open - but we had to wait for over 90 minutes to be seen. And when we were finally seen the verdict was... no ear infection. His ear looks totally normal. He is congested and that's probably causing the ear pain. She gave him ibuprofin of all things (which I have PLENTY of at home), suggested trying flonase, and sent us home. At 11:45pm. On the night before his last day of school for the fall. The day I planned for myself. The day that I scheduled a massage.

5. While waiting, I emailed his teacher to say he wouldn't be at school and frantically texted friends trying to find someone to watch him while I had my (non-refundable - there's another mistake for a solo parent!) massage. I basically backed myself into a corner.

6. We got home at 11:45pm with a super cranky but not that sick child and a very frustrated mom. I felt angry at P for making us go (again - who is the parent here?). I felt angry at myself for not making better decisions. I felt angry that our house was a complete mess and I was exhausted and my whole next day was "ruined". And embarrassed that my foolish decisions were on display for everyone I had emailed and texted.

7. I got him tucked in and he immediately fell asleep. I stress ate cookies. Then stayed up mentally berating myself.

8. P did not sleep in like I hoped. Really child!! Why do you always wake up at 6:30 am no matter what time you go to sleep!?! UGH. And he feels fine. And could've gone to school. Except the teacher was told he wasn't, his cards for his teachers and classmates weren't done, I am exhausted and I had now scheduled a friend to watch him during my massage. How do you back pedal from all of that - especially how do I tell the school I'm going to send him after all because I NEED A BREAK

9. So here I am. In my jammies. Exhausted. Frustrated at myself. Hating being exposed as foolish. Wishing I had made a whole series of different decisions. Sad because G isn't here and I'm making these choices alone. Knowing that he would've had a helpful, non-panicked perspective and would've prevented me from doing so much that I was overloaded and making bad choices to begin with! Because the truth is that on my own, I make bad choices. And some good choices. But my weaknesses are exposed. G and I were a good team. We balanced each other out. Now it's all off kilter and I am facing my weaknesses, failures, poor decision making, deflecting blame, panic... all of it. It is exposed because G isn't here to balance me out.

10. It also exposes my struggle to live under grace. My self-condemnation instead of basking in the Father's love for me. The way I strive to be perfect and hate to be exposed. How I want to do what's "right" and can't accept a day that may be a gift after all - a day for me and my boy to be home and rest.

11. I'm reading an incredibly helpful book by Elisabeth Elliot right now called, "The Path of Loneliness". In it, she talks about how when her husband Jim died, it started a new assignment from God in her life. And that while what she wanted to experience was incredible impact in her ministry, God instead saw fit to work on her heart and her character through the daily frustrations and hardships of parenting and ministry. It didn't look at all like what she wanted. But that's where the work of God happens. The mundane moments, the little failures, the explosions of temper, the exposure of foolishness and impatience, the needing to preach the gospel to oneself.

12. I am with Elisabeth in wanting my walk with the Lord to look like a wise woman not making mistakes and having an eternal impact. Instead it looks like continually facing the reality of my sin and failure and foolishness and having to take them to Jesus. And trust that THIS is the work he cares most about. He wants me to experience freedom and grace. He wants me to trust his wisdom and turn to him and not trust myself. He wants me to stop trying to be so dang strong on my own. And to rest. There's nothing wrong with rest.

13. Right now P is laying on the couch, watching The Izzys (his favorite YouTube channel) and eating fruit loops under his favorite blanket. 2 days before the one year anniversary of his daddy's death. It's probably okay. He needs a break too. He needs rest. He looks content and peaceful and at home. Lord, may I rest in you and let Paul rest too. Cease my useless striving and trust in your grace.