Grief-Sick

I've been feeling that old feeling again. That pit in my stomach. The nausea I associate with losing G. The constant, unending feeling that something is very, very wrong.

I've been thinking about him so much. Revisiting the past. Processing the right now. Remembering oh so many painful things.

Moving into our story. Labeling myself on social media as "widow". Thinking about how to share and why I'd share and what it might cost and what God might do.

And at the same time grieving the fact that he wasn't here today to see P finish 2nd grade. To see how much taller and older he is. To meet his new friends and watch him bravely go down the water slide at a new pool. To eat his favorite "The Tonight Dough" Ben & Jerry's ice cream to celebrate our boy.

And yet if he was here, things would be so different.

Life has moved forward in some ways that I love - yet even the best things are in our life because of our loss.

And so the pit. The pit that tells me all is not whole. The pit that reminds me that I am 17 months out and yet my loss, my grief, is present with me still. Will probably always be.