G's 36th Birthday

Today was G's first birthday in Heaven. It is late and I am really tired but I wanted to write down some things about today.

I gave P his "big gift" from Christmas that G was so excited to see him open. I couldn't handle it on Christmas - just 6 days after G died. A mentor told me that it was okay to hold back gifts that would be too hard to watch him open. He still had PLENTY to open from family and friends. It was really special giving it to him today and it gave him something to get excited about and spend a lot of time doing.

Since P was busy with his gift, I was able to start on a project that I've been meaning to start. I'm making throw pillows with the bandana scraps that are left over from P's quilt (made out of G's bandanas) for UT and UN. I got a lot done today and now feel like I can keep on with this project since it is already started. And it gave me something to keep busy with but I could think and reflect while working on it too.

We bought some silk flowers that P picked out for G's grave (he doesn't like that the live ones die so quickly) but it was supposed to rain and P was worried that they would wash away. So we brought a bouquet that my friend had in our house when we returned from our trip. I also bought a replacement solar lamp (the other one went missing) and a banner holder and Happy Birthday banner. We took pictures and talked to G. It was the first time that P talked to G out loud at the gravesite with me, which felt significant.

P went to a friends house for 2.5 hours. I organized and started reading the love letters that G sent me the summer before we were engaged when we were living in different states. I went on a walk and listened to our favorite songs and cried. I went to the trees in the woods that P and I engraved with G+E+P and talked to G for a big out loud. It was good. I needed a big cry. I needed to grieve.

We went to Cheesecake Factory and got two slices of cheesecake - a new flavor but one that G would've loved: Lemon Merengue. I always get chocolate but today we did it in honor of G.

My friend had Chick-Fil-A delivered and I was able to eat it. I had some leftover soup for lunch. Got myself a coffee from Starbucks for my alone time. Ate a bit of the cheesecake.

I didn't allow any pressure for communication to force me into doing anything I didn't want to (sending pictures, communicating, etc.). I was kind to my mom and responded to her well instead of just getting frustrated.

We started watching the videos that people made for G for his 10 year transplant anniversary (which he never got to watch because he went into the hospital that day and then didn't have the emotional capacity to do it afterward). We watched while eating cheesecake. It was so sweet and encouraging to hear the words people shared and to tell P about each of the people and how they knew G. But P was really angry afterward that G died and so we worked through our anger together using a red crayon and some flash cards (angry scribbling seems to help him a lot - then we ripped them up).

All in all, a good day. We grieved, we enjoyed, it was simple and quiet and reflective. And sad. And good.