First Trip

I haven't posted in a while - this week was crazy.

It was our first week home alone since G died and it was utterly exhausting. I don't know when I've been so exhausted! Maybe when P was a baby?

Private school applications and tours, tempter tantrums, taxes, financial aid applications, work meetings, emails out the wazoo, entertaining a 6 year old... my gosh.

And boy did we miss G. The house was so quiet without him. Dinner is the worst. Just the two of us at the table? I hate it. We watch a show now because it's either that or sob. I just miss having G across from me. It feels so quiet, so lonely, so sad with it being just us. Night time is just hard. All of our routines as a family of three being done by the two of us. So we were both sad and teary, and looked at lots of pictures and videos and I ate my feelings and watched junk on the internet and it was not pretty.

Today we drove to my parents house. Already it has been so nice. Not being alone. Company at dinner. Conversation. Distraction. A place that doesn't scream G's absence.

But then at dinner tonight I had a moment where it felt so wrong. I'm their kid, here with my kid, and I don't have a husband anymore. I felt so needy and like I had regressed so much in my life. My independence isn't what it was with G.

I'm hoping to sleep a lot while we are here. And get exercise. And bounce school ideas off of my parents. And pet horses and a cat and see snow and just take a break from all the pressure and sadness of life.

I brought G's sweatshirt. I'm going to snuggle it tonight. It's not as hard here but I still miss him. I love watching family videos because I love hearing his voice. I love his voice. His speaking voice, his singing voice. Gosh, so sweet. I love him. I miss him. But it doesn't hurt so much being away from home.