Feeling like a Failure

I completed my 4th private school application for my son today. Part of it was a parental review of the child's behavior which included sections for explaining the style of discipline you use, how effective it is, and what types of behavior your child displays that require discipline.

Filling it out left me feeling like a failure.

My kid? He's been throwing temper tantrums. He's angry. He's moody. He's sad.

Why? His daddy died.

My parenting? Inconsistent at best. I'm exhausted. I'm moody. I'm distracted. I'm overwhelmed. I'm taking the easy way out.

Why? My husband died.

And it's not just the grief. It's the fact that we balanced each other. G was strong as a dad in areas where I was weak as a mom. He brought perspective. Patience. Discipline. The respect that a kid gives their dad but not their mom. I am teacher/playmate/mommy and that gets messy. G was just Daddy and he helped redefine our relationship and helped me and P get a reset when things got out of wack.

I relied on G to help me with P. He was so much better with him in so many ways. P performed in homeschool better for G (which is why G did math with P a lot during the pandemic instead of me). P obeyed G. P respected G. G commanded respect while still being the most comforting, gentle, emotionally available parent.

I have so much to learn. I have so much growing to do. P and I are a mess. We are grieving.

My counselor today told me that I'm not a bad mom. I'm a grieving mom with a grieving kid. I'm a grief-mom and she said I'm doing everything right as a grief mom.

Yes, my kid is getting too much screen time.

No, I'm not really doing much at all for homeschool right now.

No, I have no idea how to handle his emotions.

Yes, I would rather daydream about the past or take a nap than mold my son's character.

I am exhausted. I am sad. I am lonely. I am incomplete. The parental unit of me and G was ripped in half and it left a gaping hole.

P feels the hole and it leaves him angry and scared and sad.

I feel the hole and it leaves me feeling distraught and overwhelmed and exhausted and scared of the future.

I keep thinking that there's this standard out there - someone watching to make sure I don't fail. There's this mythical version of me that can cope better than I can.

But watching a show, listening to music, playing outside, assembling lunch, doing the things that must be done in a day - that's all I can do right now

My heart is broken. My partner is gone. I miss him. There are so many holes that he used to fill. Not perfectly but he was there. I wasn't alone.