Failing

I constantly feel like I'm failing.

As a mom. As a missionary. As a neighbor. As a daughter. As a recipient of gifts and kindness.

My discipline is haphazard. My mind is full to the brim of urgent things that have to be done, confusing new things I'm trying to navigate (like taxes and social security and changing the title on the car G drove to work so I can give it away) and I have so little energy to really FOCUS on P.

I don't know when he's acting out of grief or acting out for attention. I don't know how to respond to his anger, his demands, his preferences.

I'm letting him have too much screen time, too much dessert, and too many bad attitudes.

It's hard when I feel like what I really want to do is climb in bed and cry. Simply making it through the day feels like a victory. But what is this costing my son? I need a village. I need him in school. He needs routine, structure, discipline, character shaping. Right now all I can provide is love, food, shelter, someone to cry with and talk to, a little bit of school and a little bit of fun. Is it enough? I sure don't feel like it is when I go on these school visits or talk to people. I just feel so inadequate.

I haven't met our new neighbors. Since we moved here I've been the glue in this little community. But in the last three months, 3 of our 4 closest neighbors moved. And the idea of making a treat and going over to introduce myself and P? That's the last thing I want to do.

....

In the middle of this post I had to take a 20 minute break. P was struggling hard. It's been a rough night. But he's calm now and in bed. And I'm exhausted but I feel like I handled that well. My son is going to sleep feeling secure. Maybe that's not failing after all.