Dinner for 2

Tonight is our second night at home alone - just me and P. We were busy with driving my mom part way home, grocery deliveries, playing, etc. But when I started serving our dinner (which was delivered by a lovely woman from our church) the sadness hit me hard.

Gosh is the house empty with us two.

When G would be away for retreats or brothers' weekends, P and I never had a real meal. I'd just whip up something easy (leftovers? sandwiches?) and we'd watch something or I'd read to him over the meal. Sitting down for a real dinner - but just for us two - the tears were welling up again.

I decided to be honest with God and P during my prayer before dinner and just said I felt sad and I missed Daddy. Then we watched an educational video while we ate on YouTube. What's the point in trying to make dinner "normal" when there isn't a normal anymore? I figured it would be healthier for P to have a happy, distracted mom than a weepy mom during dinner. It was a good distraction. Then he asked to look at family pictures and videos for the rest of dinner. We've been doing that every night since shortly after G died. We've gone from before P was born through the fall when he was 4 years old. He said he'd like to start over when we finish. I would too. I love seeing G in the pictures and videos. Makes him feel more real. Helps me remember him.

One step at a time. One meal at a time. New normals. Fresh feelings of loss. Grief is hard.