Chronic Illness is a Thief

G was chronically ill for over a decade. Really, starting in 2008 we began dealing with quickly worsening, scary health situations. He lived for 12 years as someone who was ill.

Chronic illness stole so much from him. So many experiences.

The genetic condition that eventually led to him needing a heart transplant is one that makes exercise dangerous. After a number of cardiac arrests and electrical storms (that all happened during or immediately following exertion), he was scared to get his heart rate up. Lots of things in life - lots of experiences - lead to getting your heart rate up - especially when you are in your early 20s.

Today, we traveled to Atlanta, GA and stopped at a park in Greenville, SC. There was a big bridge, walking trails, and a large paved walkway. We had a great time. And I kept thinking about G - how much he would've loved going there for a romantic walk and picnic when we were dating, how he would've wanted to treat me to coffee and a treat or a nice meal and a walk across the bridge at night when it was all lit up when we were newlyweds - and how impossible it would've been to have that outing with him at all in the last 5 or so years but especially the last year.

There are so many experiences that P is having that would've been ruled out with G alive. Visiting family, stops at zoos during long car rides, scooters and treats near the park with cousins, drive-through zoos, soccer and a walk around the pond with his uncle. None of these make up for not having your dad. But in some way I feel like P got the gift of having his dad for the past 6.5 years and now there's this gift of freedom to experience life which he didn't have before when his dad was alive.

There are blessings and hardships in every season of life.

But chronic illness brings so many hardships. Steals so many experiences from someone - and ultimately takes their life. And with G gone, P gets to experience a few blessings (and a lot of hardships) that he didn't have before.

These truths co-exist. Life is worse without G and freer without G at the same time.