Broken Promises

One of the crappy parts of grieving is broken promises.

Today I got the hard news that UN and AA won't be moving to our town. In December, when G was hospitalized for the last time, we found out that they were planning to move here this spring. UN went to visit G at the hospital on the Sunday of his hospital stay and G was so excited he screamed "Yeah!" and hit the bedside table :D. He always gave the best reactions!

UN said they would move here no matter what. After G died, he reiterated over and over again that they would be moving here. Even if he had to quit his job, he would move. P has been so excited and making so many plans for when UN and AA live here.

Then I got the email. Lots of reasons why they won't be moving. Lots of assurances that they will still be here for us. Lots of promises that feel empty.

It hurts that he got a promotion and now isn't considering coming. It hurts when things like going on a run together interfere with doing a video call with us. It hurts when I bend over backwards to stay away from other people who can be here for us and help us due to his COVID precautions and then he ends up not visiting.

It's not just him. People offer help but then their lives and their commitments get in the way. And it makes sense - they need to prioritize their families and spouses and significant others. But what about us? What if you are the only people we might see today? What if your move to our town is something we are counting on. What about my little boy whose heart is crushed and wounded so easily these days?

Normally, I would be disappointed. Today I was devastated. And angry. And felt oh so alone.

I don't need promises. I need someone who is willing to sacrifice for us. I need G. I need Jesus.

JJ Heller has a song called You Keep Your Promises. I've been listening to it a lot. God keeps his promises. He is the one, the only one, that I can depend on.

The truth is that G sometimes disappointed us. He wasn't always able to keep his promises either. A lot of what G lacked I had to find in Jesus. And now I'm lacking everything that G had. No one else is going to replace that. No one else will love me and P like G did. No one else will "get" me. No one else will prioritize me. Keep me company. Snuggle and love P.

If I try to find what I'm missing in people, I am going to be sorely disappointed, over and over again. I can only find it in Jesus. Steadfast, unwavering love. Sure promises. Constant care. Security. Company. Guidance. Help. Comfort. Hope. Purpose. Joy.