Being Mom & Dad

I feel so much pressure to be mom & dad to P. Not pressure from the outside, but pressure because I am seeing more clearly than ever how much G brought to the table and how much P lost when he lost his daddy.

My counselor has warned me that I can't be mom and dad and she's right. I can only be mom. I am only mom. I can't make up for the loss of P's dad. Nothing I do could compensate for that.

But he was an amazing daddy and I want to grow as a mom and give P some of what G gave him.

Most notably - my attention. G would stop anything he was doing and give P his full focus. He would play with him and be really engaged - not thinking about other things. He would make P feel like the most important person in the world.

I tend to be distracted, and multitasking and stressed. I tend to half pay attention while my mind is on other things.

So I'm trying to slow down. G made P FEEL important. He didn't just tell him that he was important. He acted in a way that showed it. So I'm trying to listen to his stories, pay attention to his feelings, talk in animal voices, remember details about LEGOs, give a lot of verbal feedback. Honestly, it's stretching me - a lot. G was so good at these things that I didn't have to be. He gave P the gift of his attention and I want to do that too. I want P to KNOW that he matters not just by my words but my actions too.

Lord help me - I cannot do this on my own.