Being Instead of Doing

"Analyzed afresh and repudiated my base desire to do something for God in the sight of man, rather than to be something, regardless of whether results were to be seen." - Jim Elliott

This is the struggle I've been experiencing in my heart lately. One of them at least. Feeling like I used to be able to do for God. And now? I don't have much to show.

Today is a perfect example. P's school was closed for a snow day. Except there was no snow. Which just made it all feel even more pointless. And even though I only had dates for meals with friends on the schedule, it still felt like a let down. And I felt aimless. No one to interact with outside of my son. No one pursuing me (here's looking at you HW). No steps toward a life that I understand or a path that seems clear.

And yet, if God doesn't need my service but wants my heart, he was at work. Being patient with P. Asking the Holy Spirit to help me be understanding and compassionate to those who closed school and "ruined" my plans with no snow to show for it. Working to trust God's plan for my day instead of getting angry that it was disrupted (which felt easier today - maybe I'm learning not to hold on to my plans so hard?). Making the choice to set the tone for the day with P and force him outside - and having a good time outdoors.

I keep looking for something that I'm doing to give me a sense of worth. Of purpose. Of contribution. But this "middle place" isn't one of those times. I don't really have direction except to keep going and being faithful in the mundane and unseen. I don't have a big impact. I can't be on the retreat that's happening right now. Places where I want to find identity are failing me. That includes HW.

It's almost like a hit of adrenaline when I hear from him. I'm crushing on him hard. But I also realize that I'm looking to him for some sort of excitement or life or companionship - none of which he can give right now.

For WEEKS the Lord has been telling me to stop texting him and let him take the initiative. I haven't listened. I'm going to now.

Here's what I'm going to vow to myself and to the Lord - and put it here for you to read too: Today is Thursday the 20th. Next weekend my parents come. I will not text him unless he's texts me first until my parents visit is over. A little self-control and some learning to be alone - I need these. He knows where to find me. He clearly knows I'm interested in him. His tools are in my house along with a half-finished project. And he and the kids have been invited over for brunch. The ball is in his court. I will stop trying to make this happen.

And I will be refined by the Lord. I will practice patience. I will reach out to girlfriends. I will wait instead of trying to make something happen. By God's grace I will do this. Lord help me! Help me to want you more than I want companionship - from HW or anyone else. More than I want meaning and purpose from a new phase or mission.