Back Home

We drove home today. The drive went so well and P had a great attitude. Even though yesterday he was furious at the idea of coming home. We listened to Brains On, his favorite podcast, the whole way and he voluntarily used his spending money to buy himself a snack at Sheetz (of course I had to supplement half the cost because those snacks aren't cheap!).

Everything went well but it was hard when we got home.

The first time coming back to an empty house.

The first time being the one to unpack AND play with P. Usually G and P would hang out while I unpacked everything. I really felt the absence then. Bringing loads in from the car with P waiting on me. Him wanting to play immediately.

Thankfully a friend brought dinner because by dinner time I was holding back tears. I hate dinner time without G. We had dinner together as a family every night. One the very rare occasion that he wasn't home for dinner, P and I didn't do a normal dinner - just something easy and I would read to him or we'd watch something together. G would pray almost every night. We would talk. It's just too quiet without him. We made it through by watching his favorite YouTube channel for a bit and then I opened the mail.

Lots of sympathy cards and a sweet Valentine's Day card with some chocolates from a lady who works for the same organization as me. Valentine's Day is on Sunday. Ugh. G was so sweet with Valentine's Day. I love Godiva Truffles and he would get them for me every year but I always made him go the day after Valentine's so I could have double!

Last year we went to Barnes and Noble and I picked out books and chocolates for my Valentine's Day gift. We got special drinks while we were there. I loved going there as a family. We'd take turns looking for books for ourselves and hanging with Paul in the toy section or reading to him. Last year G and P found a Dr. Seuss book that P absolutely loved and we ended up getting it for him for his birthday - he was so excited when he opened it.

G picked out a "flight of truffles" for me that UN and AA gave me for Christmas. I've been saving them to enjoy around Valentine's Day.

Goodness do I miss G. My chest aches when I think of him.

It's nice to be home and it's sad to be home. I love being around his things. He feels more present here. But his absence is also more real.

I'm going to take P to visit G's grave tomorrow. We haven't been since before we left town on Friday and I miss being there. It makes me feel closer to G. And goodness is so much of what I do these days centered around trying to feel closer to him. My best friend. The love of my life. My other half.