At My Sister's House

There have been new hard things being at my sister's house. Hers is the first family that we've visited that resembles what ours used to be: a mom, dad and kids. A complete family.

So all the reminders of what ours isn't anymore are right in front of me. There is no dad to take turns tucking the kids in at night. No dad to give the kids a kiss on the head in the morning. No joking between parents. No stories that both parents understand and no one else does. No disagreements on which way to go in the car. There's no masculinity in our house. No one who drives more roughly, plays more roughly, and sticks the kids in front of a screen when on dad duty and mom is out doing something.

My brother-in-law likes a lot of the same things as G did so there are books and games everywhere that remind me of G.

When my sister talks about her plans for her small business I am acutely aware that it is "extra" income for them. The weight of the family finances does not fall on her. She talks about maybe getting away for a weekend when my mom visits and the sweet trip he planned for her birthday.

There are no more trips for me and G. No more husband to care about my birthday.

Family that I see are giving me my birthday gifts early and I kind of wish they wouldn't because there isn't going to be anyone home with me to celebrate me. P is too young to buy me a gift. G always helped him to do that.

It's new areas of loss that become obvious in this setting. I'm so glad to be here. And yet, it hurts.