Almost 1 Year

It's been almost 1 year since G died.

I have so many mixed emotions and so many confused thoughts.

On one hand, this has felt like the absolute longest year of my life. A year ago? 365 days? How did I survive it? There were many, many times when I thought I could not go on. The pain was too intense, the grief too hard to face. It feels like a lifetime. There are times when it feels like he just died yesterday, but more often it feels like he was never here at all. Yet there are reminders of him everywhere. From items around our home that he chose or we chose, photos, bandanas, our Christmas tree filled to the brim with ornaments that signify important moments in our life together. There are reminders inside of me. How he would view a situation, what he would say, a private joke that comes to mind, memories memories memories. The ways that he changed me and inspired me. The moments when his words come out of his mouth or his perspective changes my actions. And of course there is P. My living, breathing, slice of G. Half his DNA, so much of his personality. Those expressions that flitter across his face! His brow. The way he looks when he's sleeping. So much G in our boy.

This year has changed me. So much. I went from a we to a me. I went from married to widowed to feeling comfortable saying "solo" to now being able to say "single". I went from parenting with my husband to parenting alone. Supportive "cast" to "lead". I went from submitting to deciding. Being home to working. Home schooling to enrolling my son in school. Unvaccinated to vaccinated to P being vaccinated. Grieving alone to joining multiple grief groups. Trying to hang on to every shred of my old life to realizing I have to build a new life. Keeping my rings on to (just last week) putting my engagement ring away and my wedding ring on my left hand.

I faced close friends leaving the country and my beloved Grandmother's death. I've made friends with other widows and am getting to know a widower. I now have a season pass to an amusement park (who would've ever thought!), a botanical garden and (expired) a waterfall park. I ran a 5K on Thanksgiving and lost 10lbs (not from running - but from food losing so much of its joy). I eat most of my lunches in the car now as I drive from place to place. I found the walking trail I'd heard of for years and now walk on it when I get a little time to myself. I'm considering changing churches but also have been getting to know some peopole in my church better. I stopped watching all our favorite shows and have spent way too much time on YouTube instead. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch a movie, or go to The Cheesecake Factory and the idea of eating chinese takeout with G makes me sick.

I confronted G's doctors shared the hurt and pain and neglect that was experienced. I'm trying to forgive the nurse coordinator.

I watched my husband die and by God's grace and mercy alone, survived it. I picked out a funeral home and place to bury him, found a beautiful spot under a pine tree that he would love even when I was in the throws of shock. I did the viewing (gosh that was wretched) and said goodbye. I buried my husband on a beautiful winter day and somehow had Chick Fil A lunch afterward at a park with family. I planned a beautiful memorial service and only forgot two songs (which still bothers me). I was interviewed for an article on G that reached a lot of people in the town we went to college in. I did thank you notes for everyone who gave us gifts after he died. I've sent care packages and texts to a number of other young widows that I am loving on with the love that I received. I've read books on grief for myself and P. Got P a play therapist and took him to grief camp. I'm participating in family virtual grief activities with him too. Got so many grief books for kids that I've read to him. Celebrated New Years, Valentine's Day, Easter, P's birthday, G's birthday, my birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, our anniversary, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving - all without G. All painful firsts. I did a big road-trip down to Atlanta and back. Gave away G's car (after the nightmare it was with the DMV that is no small thing). Bought new lamps. Bagged up some of his clothes to donate. Made a quilt out of his bandanas. Had a quilt made out of his t-shirts. Made lots of picture slide shows. Got his favorite ham for Thanksgiving. Took P skiing and ice skating for the first times (he loved both!). Ran a Fall Retreat and survived being there for the first time without G. Made a scholarship fund on his behalf. Went back on campus to do ministry - for the first time without him. Decorated our Christmas tree and hung up stockings. Christmas shopped while keeping in mind how G would make gift decisions for P. Spent a lot of time at the memorial park visiting G's grace, walking, listening to playlists I made in his memory or of his favorite songs, or our favorite songs as a couple, or even the grief playlist. Chose a headstone that is beautiful. Found ways to decorate G's grave and keep it clean.

Did the taxes for the first time. Got set up with social security survivor benefits for P. Changed my salary. Took two classes I'd been dreading and finished my learning requirements with work. Belonged to a pool for a summer. Got swim lessons for P. Adjusted to driving P to school and picking him up every day. Changed around the furniture in the office. Went through G's memory box. Got rid of bins of his "goal clothes". Read through the letters he wrote to me the summer when I was away working at a camp. Met with a grief therapist. Volunteered at P's school. Told my Bible study that I was a widow. Told a girl I meet with that I am a widow. Watched the Steelers games (some) with friends and P instead of G and P. Dealt with so much disappointment of UT and UN not being able to move here or moving here and having to move away again. Decided not to move or make any big decisions. Read a LOT. Learned a LOT. Bought some new clothes. Made myself put on the shirt I wore the day G died and now I can comfortably wear it. Explored new places. Bought tickets to visit a different country in the Spring. Started learning Spanish and ASL. Scheduled a massage (tomorrow!). Got rid of a bunch of G's books. Got rid of some games. Made lists of memories. Hiked a "mountain" that we hiked a lot in college. Started growing plants indoors. Made a new budgeting system. Met with 2 financial advisors. Made a video for the ministry I work with to encourage others to get life insurance and other benefits. Stopped eating for comfort. Cooked a few times. Changed the blanket on my bed. Took over 2 of G's drawers. Moved his coats to the upstairs closet. Started a new bedtime routine and morning routine with P. Discovered Mark Rober and Maddie Moate on YouTube and accepted the fact that we watch videos during dinner now.

Dealt with P getting croup all on my own without (completely) panicking and falling to pieces. Said goodbye to neighbors that moved away. Visited the Cat Cafe multiple times with P. Started pizza and a movie night with P. Played with a drone in our house every night for a couple months. Put Christmas lights and halloween lights up outside. Trick or Treated with P and found him a fantastic costume. Helped P transition to going to school instead of being homeschooled. Started working through pain in my relationship with my mother. Found ways to care for my mom when she lost her mother. Visited all of my siblings and connected P with his cousins. Went to a drive-through animal park. Went to 2 wild animal zoos.

Learned new technical skills. Backed up my computer multiple times. Got a new phone. Changed my cell phone plan. Got a hair cut. Didn't do anything too crazy like shave my head or get a tattoo or move to a different country. Did a receiving line at my husband's memorial service and didn't fall to pieces. So many slide shows.

I'm sure there's more. It has been a long year. A hard year. And in many ways, and it's kind of surreal to say this, a good year.

I am starting to feel comfortable in the new life I have. It makes me feel guilty but I'm going to say it. There are gifts in the loss of G because there were hard things about his presence. Having a chronically ill spouse in your 20s and 30s is really, really hard. There is some freedom now that I haven't had in a very, very long time. It would be hard to give it up and go back to how life was. It has been very painful. But in some very surprising ways - good.